no more delays

i've been giving much thought to my future (what's left of it, egads) and have come to the conclusion that i need to stop delaying what i expect my life to be. if i expect it to be X, then it should be X right now, not later, when A, B, & C happen and Y finally falls into place. make it X now.

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in consequence, i've been mulling over some major life decisions of late. my conclusions are still incomplete, but the most valuable aspect of my racing mind is the sensation that i need to come to grips with the reality of my life as i never have before. this is my life. i can't keep wishing or waiting for it to be something else--it is what it is. and if it is not what i've been waiting for it to be, then i need to stop waiting. i need to make it what i wish it to be right here and now.

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i am many things at heart, one of which is a yuppie, through and through. on valentine's day, the new york times ran an article about the eyesore that a house becomes once children enter the scene (read the article, "Parent Shock: Children Are Not Décor," here).

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it may be that everything i read these days lights a fire under my ass, but this article lit an atomic bomb. it resonated with a lot of my recent thinkings. in sum, it interviews 3+ couples who had just gotten to a place in their lives when they could get their house interiors the way they wanted, and then they had children and the decor went to hell (ugly children's toys, begrudging safety precautions, etc.).

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i'm 28, and though i have great interest in interior design, i have thus far delayed having a home of any permanence or aesthetic accomplishment due to what i have perceived as my transitory life. granted, i've lived a more transitory life than many others, but shouldn't i breathe fullness into each step i take? if i keep postponing the transformation of a living space into the coveted paradise i fantasize about in my head, then i may never get around to having that paradise.

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corollary - am i:

1. who i strive to be
2. who i am on occasion
3. who i am usually or
4. who i end up being through inadvertance?

likewise, if i keep postponing the proper routine of domesticity that i want to have, then i will never have such a routine, and i will never be the person i want to be (e.g., i'm not martha stewart until i act like martha stewart).

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i've focused this discussion on interior design, but the thought process i'm teasing apart is applicable to all facets of my life. distilled down, it amounts to two maxims:

1. don't delay
2. be what i want to be & live the life i want to live right here and now

i'm eustressed and distressed with these revelations. i feel i'm seeing things with a clarity that is unprecedented. and for the first time in my life, i know that i'm on the brink of something good.

Ambition Moved

[Sunday, September 02, 2007]

we just finished driving up to nyc last night in a 15-foot moving truck. this is larger than those small uhauls you see people driving around and way too big for my purposes. (note: i drove a budget truck, which was less than half the price of a uhaul). i've driven up on the curb about 5 times but have had only 1 near-accident! ideally i'll ditch this thing today--finding parking with a clearance of 11 feet is difficult.

those of you who like my detailed planning will share my disappointment in this: ikea's ivar shelves are the solution to my small space storage problem. the pieces i need to build what i need were not all in stock at a single ikea, so i stopped at ikea in virginia and maryland on the way up. the most elusive but critical piece, 89" x 12" side units, was only in stock in maryland per the internet. and yet, the side units were out of stock by the time i arrived. looks like my tiny-ass bedroom will have to remain cluttered for a little while longer.

i am mostly moved in--just a few boxes and some big items left in my moving truck that i'm going to have to figure out how to sneak into the building--apparently the hoity-toity only move furniture mondays through fridays (today is sunday).

since i embarked on this move, i have avoided a $300 fine and a $500 fine, but my luck may soon run out. the $300 fine was for bringing Lil' Puff into my hotel room Friday night when pets are not allowed--Orbitz told me otherwise, and the hotel management reluctantly relented. i think the housekeeper ratted me out. the $500 fine, which remains a possibility, is for moving furniture in a non-freight elevator. freight elevators only operate during the week. as it is currently the weekend, you see my quandary. i played the fool and moved a full-sized box spring (that's right - homegirl's finally gonna have a real bed, a high bed, and a real high bed!) up the normal elevator last night. fortunately, the doorman played it cool, but then his shift ended.

despite the painstaking calculations of my room dimensions and furniture arrangements, with furniture, the place feels incredibly small now that stuff is actually in it. guests, who are warmly welcomed, will be sleeping right by my side. i have an uncommonly expansive view, which helps reduce the cramped feel, though.

my building is pure yuppie ambition with a hot and fast pulse. it seems to consist exclusively of 24- to 28-year old bankers, brokers, and analysts socializing like they're still in college while each alone is making enough money to comfortably support a family of 4 in middle America. hordes of dudes in the nyc night-on-the-town uniform of straight-legged jeans, dark button-down shirt (untucked, of course), and a touch of gel in the hair. pairs of scantily clad mediocre-looking honies navigating the streets. this was saturday night. i'm expecting all drones in suits during the week.

i'll email my new mailing address to anyone who wants to send me toenails.