Ambling Through Rambling Thoughts on the Role of Work

Thus far, I've been approaching my working life as a series of experiences. This is not borne out of a conscious effort--it is simply the way I see the world. I struggle a great deal with the idea of work. Apparently it is necessary in our society--it is what we do with ourselves. So for me, what I do with myself has been a series of thoughtful adventures--ways to bide my time. But ultimately, all this time-biding begs the question: do I want to keep racking up narcissistic trophies to showcase the panopoly of things I've done, pursuing novelty job/career paths but never fully investing in any one of them? Or, do I want to actually produce a life's work. Work that gets enriched by experience. And the answer, I believe, is a no to the former and a yes to the latter.

And here is where my impatience enters. I hate the idea of further wasting precious experience-gaining years on novelty acts and vanity jobs. My current job is the beginning to a marvelous career, complete with intellectual challenge, ample recognition, and financial rewards. But ultimately, I don't want to have lived my life in this career. The thought of even spending two years in this field petrifies me.

What, then, is the solution? How should I make money instead? Should I make money pursuing my creative interests instead or in addition? My initial plan was to pursue my creative interests in addition. But woe is me, I failed to realize the folly of that plan--to work in this field is to work at minimum 40 hours per week, which for me leaves precious little time for much else.

Aside: I have recently been giving much thought to energy levels and individual success and compatibility with others. We each have our own energy level. Matching of energy levels is important for compatibility, but do those with low energy levels succeed or achieve less than their high-energy counterparts? They most certainly would be less prolific. But a singular piece of high quality work can be enough. I would consider myself to be someone who possesses a moderate energy level. This means I can work 55 hours/week and find time to do other activities, but the other activities can probably only amount to about 7-8 hours at the absolute maximum without me feeling like my life is falling apart, and even then, I don't feel like my household is running properly.

I think the solution is to find a less demanding job that will still allow me to:

1. get out of debt and
2. have time for creative pursuits

and the goal would be to eventually transition out of that job entirely and focus 100% on the creative pursuit.

Potential less time-intensive jobs:

• career counselor
• admissions officer
• RA
• job recruiter
• non-profit job

When to shift:

1) In 1.5 years, after credit card debt paid off?
2) In 20 years, after I have firmly established myself as a respectable member of society?

Remember: extreme early retirement.

That's my jam.

YES: A recent Op-Ed in the NY Times: "What Life Asks of Us" by David Brooks.

A few years ago, a faculty committee at Harvard produced a report on the purpose of education. “The aim of a liberal education” the report declared, “is to unsettle presumptions, to defamiliarize the familiar, to reveal what is going on beneath and behind appearances, to disorient young people and to help them to find ways to reorient themselves.”

The report implied an entire way of living. Individuals should learn to think for themselves. They should be skeptical of pre-existing arrangements. They should break free from the way they were raised, examine life from the outside and discover their own values.

This approach is deeply consistent with the individualism of modern culture, with its emphasis on personal inquiry, personal self-discovery and personal happiness. But there is another, older way of living, and it was discussed in a neglected book that came out last summer called “On Thinking Institutionally” by the political scientist Hugh Heclo.

In this way of living, to borrow an old phrase, we are not defined by what we ask of life. We are defined by what life asks of us. As we go through life, we travel through institutions — first family and school, then the institutions of a profession or a craft.

Each of these institutions comes with certain rules and obligations that tell us how to do what we’re supposed to do. Journalism imposes habits that help reporters keep a mental distance from those they cover. Scientists have obligations to the community of researchers. In the process of absorbing the rules of the institutions we inhabit, we become who we are.

New generations don’t invent institutional practices. These practices are passed down and evolve. So the institutionalist has a deep reverence for those who came before and built up the rules that he has temporarily taken delivery of. “In taking delivery,” Heclo writes, “institutionalists see themselves as debtors who owe something, not creditors to whom something is owed.”

The rules of a profession or an institution are not like traffic regulations. They are deeply woven into the identity of the people who practice them. A teacher’s relationship to the craft of teaching, an athlete’s relationship to her sport, a farmer’s relation to her land is not an individual choice that can be easily reversed when psychic losses exceed psychic profits. Her social function defines who she is. The connection is more like a covenant. There will be many long periods when you put more into your institutions than you get out.

In 2005, Ryne Sandberg was inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame. Heclo cites his speech as an example of how people talk when they are defined by their devotion to an institution:

“I was in awe every time I walked onto the field. That’s respect. I was taught you never, ever disrespect your opponents or your teammates or your organization or your manager and never, ever your uniform. You make a great play, act like you’ve done it before; get a big hit, look for the third base coach and get ready to run the bases.”

Sandberg motioned to those inducted before him, “These guys sitting up here did not pave the way for the rest of us so that players could swing for the fences every time up and forget how to move a runner over to third. It’s disrespectful to them, to you and to the game of baseball that we all played growing up.

“Respect. A lot of people say this honor validates my career, but I didn’t work hard for validation. I didn’t play the game right because I saw a reward at the end of the tunnel. I played it right because that’s what you’re supposed to do, play it right and with respect ... . If this validates anything, it’s that guys who taught me the game ... did what they were supposed to do, and I did what I was supposed to do.”

I thought it worth devoting a column to institutional thinking because I try to keep a list of the people in public life I admire most. Invariably, the people who make that list have subjugated themselves to their profession, social function or institution.

Second, institutional thinking is eroding. Faith in all institutions, including charities, has declined precipitously over the past generation, not only in the U.S. but around the world. Lack of institutional awareness has bred cynicism and undermined habits of behavior. Bankers, for example, used to have a code that made them a bit stodgy and which held them up for ridicule in movies like “Mary Poppins.” But the banker’s code has eroded, and the result was not liberation but self-destruction.

Institutions do all the things that are supposed to be bad. They impede personal exploration. They enforce conformity.

But they often save us from our weaknesses and give meaning to life.

This is exactly what I've been talking about. I use "prearranged marriage" as a proxy for all things "institutional," in the words of David Brooks and apparently a one Mr. Hugh Heclo. My personal list of admirees does not include conformists or the subjugated--or, at least, the reason for their being on my list tends to do more with their individualistic pioneering spirit. Nonetheless, I still believe that to willingly live* within an institution may very well be our one true path to happiness. If I have an institution, it is that derived from a bourgeois, individualistic, liberal arts milieu, which, yes, has pretty much thrown my psyche directly into the agony of groundlessness and eternal query (loyal readers, thanks for listening to me kvetch about what exhausting work that has been).

Do ancient societies, once again, know best? Is the most well adjusted child in modern American society therefore the one who has the perils of the individualistic liberal arts education offset by traditionalist parents who provide unending guilt and reminders of the child's obligations to a larger whole?

*I now consider split infinitives to be the righteous path. Obamanos.

creative people see more

there was recently a medical study comparing the brains of creative people with those of the non-creative. what i gleaned from the write-up was that creative people are evidently more distractable by the many variables of a situation.

this finding is in line with my own observations. those people i know who i consider to be creative see the many potentialities of a situation, as opposed to one clear path. and that enhanced sight can be a blessing and a curse--seeing the world through a lens of possibilities is both invigorating and paralyzing at the same time. career choice is one obvious example. with an open mind regarding the type of life that could bring joy, the type of goals to strive for, and the ways to achieve those goals, there is often a less clear career path for creative folks than there is for those who are happy as clams if they attain, in any way possible, a) a big house, b) a family, and c) a secure retirement.

ignorance, it seems, is indeed bliss.

lossed

I'm all lost again, and I was unable to take any action in light thereof, so I gave myself a deadline of the end of March to gain clarity & take action (about 4 weeks). Then, with about 1 week left, I gave myself a 1-week extension to April 6th. Given the impending deadline, I need to spend some focused time contemplating myself and my future self this weekend.

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So I am organizing these three quotes/maxims in one place to keep me from losing further sight of things:

1. It doesn't matter where you are but what you're doing.
2. On moving: wherever you go, there you are. You have to be the panacea you wish to see in the world.
3. Bloom where you're planted.

The first two are courtesy of The Wise Messr. Alexander. The bloom notion is courtesy of Joel Osteen in Your Best Life Now discussing god (apparently), but widely applicable, I think.

The bloom notion elaborated:

I was walking in the woods one day when I came to a big, open field that was full of tall weeds. Everywhere I looked, all I could see were ugly, brown, dried-up weeds. But when I went a little farther down the path, I noticed one beautiful flower standing in the midst of all the weeds. It was so colorful, so vivid and, amazingly, it had blossomed right there in the midst of those drab, dreary weeds. You may live or work around a bunch of weeds, but don't let that stop you from blooming. Realize that your environment does not prevent you from being happy. Some people spend all their time trying to pull up all the weeds. Meanwhile, they miss much of their lives.

On Creativity & Independence

Since graduating from graduate school in May, I feel I have finally been released into the wild with as close to a clue as I'll ever get. (NB - I don't think anyone ever has a full clue, so to strive for that is ridiculous and to wait for the dawning of that day is foolhardy. Go full speed with what you know at the time, and then adjust accordingly when you learn otherwise.)
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My graduate degree is in a highly conservative field that follows a structured, rigid path in everything it does. In addition, I had the good fortune of going to a graduate school with a student population unlike anything I would ever voluntarily associate myself with (15 years behind in awareness, unapologetically ignorant, the like). The whole endeavor was a culture shock for me and a significant learning experience. Don't get me wrong--I was miserable and had wholesale hate for 98% of my classmates, and even now, I only half-like the 2% I consider to be my friends, but I appreciate the experience for what it taught me. To wit: that I am different from most people in that I am more creative and more thoughtful than most people.
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Now, I knew these things about myself from the bottom of my heart already, but my bland graduate schooling was just the foil to my being that I needed. Really, what it did was give me the swift kick in the butt that I needed to finally embrace myself and my true nature.
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With a clearer vision of myself, who I am, what I want, my modus operandi, etc., I have been able to define more fully the meaning of the word "creativity" for my personal dictionary.
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Creativity is more than, for example, skill at aesthetics. Is the neighborhood hairdresser with an eye for flattering hairstyles creative? I venture to say no, though I do recognize and appreciate her good eye. Full-on creativity seeps into all facets of life, resulting in a complete liberation of the mind. A free mind constrained not by the infrastructure of daily life--that is what marks the truly creative.
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I think I have a good working definition for two reasons: 1) it bespeaks of a certain independence from society, people, and one's own self, which is key, if not the key to creative thought and 2) it allows for the location of creative individuals any and everywhere--all too often, I think people operate on a narrow definition of creativity that pretty much isolates the identification of creative people to those who work in creative industries. This is a prime example of constrained thinking. A drone is a drone is a drone, even if that drone spends his days dESiGniNg tHe LoOK oF fOoD on a plate to be photographed for a menu.
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Extrapolation
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The truly creative exist in constant conflict with the rest of society. With liberated minds, these individuals are able to see more potential in every aspect of life. And with that heightened vision comes complications, e.g.,: (1) more choices, which can be paralyzing; (2) dissonance between what they see and what society sees, what they want and what society wants; and (3) a seeming inability to meet societal expectations.
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A few steps may be taken to avoid these complications. For now, I can think of three to share:
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• active resistance. you have to resist the crushing structure of living the way that most people are living or else you will be unhappy. doing this requires ignoring most people (see below), including any friends and loved ones who do not have the same creative capacity that you do (why you're even friends with them is another post), for they will not understand, and someone, either you or they, will feel alienated. note: it will be harmful if you're the one that feels alienated.




• intentional communities. not necessarily a hippie commune, but efforts to surround yourself with other people whose ideas, though not necessarily similar to yours, also fly as high as kites will reduce the discomfort of existence in society




• try not to get caught in a wheel of society. this is a bit tangential, but still important and related to the above. endeavor to make lifestyle choices that don't carry the potential of coming back and biting you in the butt because then you might have to succumb to a fold that is disharmonious with who you are. e.g., getting a new car might bind you to working a disharmonious job so you can pay for it, having a child might force a certain stability out of you that you don't have to give (& is therefore disharmonious).

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The "cartoons drawn on the back of business cards" guy Hugh MacLeod inspired me to write this after just a cursory look at this posting of his on creativity + authenticity, which i found while googling how to start my own business: http://www.gapingvoid.com/Moveable_Type/archives/000932.html
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If a cursory look could inspire me, what could reading the whole thing do? I read it, and it has sublime insights. It's like he took my jumbled thoughts, added eloquence and profound thinking, diced, seasoned, marinated, ate, and digested them 10 years ago and now there's a green sprig that has sprouted in the fertilizer, and he's talking about how it got there. The introductory how-to list on being creative is compelling--the post, of which a pdf is also available, elaborates on it. For your convenience and pleasure, here is the list:
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1. Ignore everybody.
2. The idea doesn't have to be big. It just has to be yours.
3. Put the hours in.
4. If your biz plan depends on you suddenly being "discovered" by some big shot, your plan will probably fail.
5. You are responsible for your own experience.
6. Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten.
7. Keep your day job.
8. Companies that squelch creativity can no longer compete with companies that champion creativity.
9. Everybody has their own private Mount Everest they were put on this earth to climb.
10. The more talented somebody is, the less they need the props.
11. Don't try to stand out from the crowd; avoid crowds altogether. 12. If you accept the pain, it cannot hurt you.
13. Never compare your inside with somebody else's outside.
14. Dying young is overrated.
15. The most important thing a creative person can learn professionally is where to draw the red line that separates what you are willing to do, and what you are not.
16. The world is changing.
17. Merit can be bought. Passion can't.
18. Avoid the Watercooler Gang.
19. Sing in your own voice.
20. The choice of media is irrelevant.
21. Selling out is harder than it looks.
22. Nobody cares. Do it for yourself.
23. Worrying about "Commercial vs. Artistic" is a complete waste of time.
24. Don't worry about finding inspiration. It comes eventually.
25. You have to find your own schtick.
26. Write from the heart.
27. The best way to get approval is not to need it.
28. Power is never given. Power is taken.
29. Whatever choice you make, The Devil gets his due eventually.
30. The hardest part of being creative is getting used to it.
31. Remain frugal.
32. Allow your work to age with you.
33. Being Poor Sucks.
34. Beware of turning hobbies into jobs.
35. Savor obscurity while it lasts.
36. Start blogging.

no more delays

i've been giving much thought to my future (what's left of it, egads) and have come to the conclusion that i need to stop delaying what i expect my life to be. if i expect it to be X, then it should be X right now, not later, when A, B, & C happen and Y finally falls into place. make it X now.

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in consequence, i've been mulling over some major life decisions of late. my conclusions are still incomplete, but the most valuable aspect of my racing mind is the sensation that i need to come to grips with the reality of my life as i never have before. this is my life. i can't keep wishing or waiting for it to be something else--it is what it is. and if it is not what i've been waiting for it to be, then i need to stop waiting. i need to make it what i wish it to be right here and now.

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* * *

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i am many things at heart, one of which is a yuppie, through and through. on valentine's day, the new york times ran an article about the eyesore that a house becomes once children enter the scene (read the article, "Parent Shock: Children Are Not Décor," here).

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it may be that everything i read these days lights a fire under my ass, but this article lit an atomic bomb. it resonated with a lot of my recent thinkings. in sum, it interviews 3+ couples who had just gotten to a place in their lives when they could get their house interiors the way they wanted, and then they had children and the decor went to hell (ugly children's toys, begrudging safety precautions, etc.).

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i'm 28, and though i have great interest in interior design, i have thus far delayed having a home of any permanence or aesthetic accomplishment due to what i have perceived as my transitory life. granted, i've lived a more transitory life than many others, but shouldn't i breathe fullness into each step i take? if i keep postponing the transformation of a living space into the coveted paradise i fantasize about in my head, then i may never get around to having that paradise.

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corollary - am i:

1. who i strive to be
2. who i am on occasion
3. who i am usually or
4. who i end up being through inadvertance?

likewise, if i keep postponing the proper routine of domesticity that i want to have, then i will never have such a routine, and i will never be the person i want to be (e.g., i'm not martha stewart until i act like martha stewart).

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* * *

--

i've focused this discussion on interior design, but the thought process i'm teasing apart is applicable to all facets of my life. distilled down, it amounts to two maxims:

1. don't delay
2. be what i want to be & live the life i want to live right here and now

i'm eustressed and distressed with these revelations. i feel i'm seeing things with a clarity that is unprecedented. and for the first time in my life, i know that i'm on the brink of something good.

tomorrow, the bronx

today, i go to staten island. should i stay in new york city, i choose to live in a backwater.

fyi

and my doormen can go to hell, too.

fyi

i also kind of want to shove my roommate.

fyi

also, my old therapist is going to get a fine knuckle sandwich from me the next time i see him.

the square community

i suppress 85% myself in my working life. is this choice or necessity? i feel it's necessity. in an effort to be who they want me to be, i feel i can't be me, and so i turn into an empty canvas. no personality, no opinions, no style.
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i've been waging a war against the square community for almost a decade now, and it's starting to feel like the squares are winning. they're making me bland. i'm conforming to their lackluster desires. i'm wearing their lackluster clothing and following their lackluster schedule and letting their pathetic hopes, dreams, fears, comforts, and existence seep into mine.
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i need to move to an abandoned warehouse in the country.
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i need to know what claude monet and rainer maria rilke did besides paint and write.
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these 2 writings are helpful:

1) Failure is the best thing ever because it broadens your horizons and equips you in ways success never could - an article in Men's Health (as posted in someone else's blog). Excerpt:

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Maybe failure isn’t the problem. Maybe expectation is.
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After I was fired from my TV show, I was certain I’d never work in television again. I’d been given a great opportunity and blown it. The studio and network were out millions of dollars. But then the phone started ringing, with studios and networks asking whether I’d consider doing TV again. What had changed?
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Nothing. I’d simply forgotten what folks working in TV take as a given: Most shows fail. Every spring, the networks introduce new products to replace the fall and winter die-off. When a show tanks, they don’t spend weeks wondering why. They put a new show in its place.
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They expect failure, and are delighted when it doesn’t come.
In the case of Tom, my hunch is that he’d become stuck in an expectation loop. He’d spent years carefully mapping out his ascent: student-body president, law-school review, a great internship. He expected to succeed - we all should - but he hadn’t considered alternate paths to success. One misstep sent him scrambling, questioning all his other assumptions. Of course, it’d be wrong for me to write Tom off. Maybe his latest failure will force him to reassess his expectations. Maybe it’ll be what finally propels him to success.
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Most of us will never run a TV show or run for elected office. But we will all fail, repeatedly. Failure is a universal condition. We lose our jobs; we lose our marriages; we lose to the dealer’s flush in Vegas.
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When these traumas happen, we generally find ourselves on the familiar Kübler-Ross stages of loss: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But how we cope is less important than how we remember the experiences afterward. The best failures aren’t forgotten; they’re incorporated into our life’s narrative.
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My D.C. debacle, as miserable as it was to live through, has become a cherished memory. It’s a small scar that invites a big story, with big personalities. At first, I framed myself as the innocent victim in the drama, but over the years I came to view the whole thing as more of a hurricane that we all weathered together.
The great thing about surviving a storm is that you’re much better prepared the next time the winds start kicking up. You recognize the early warnings. You stock up on essentials. And, most crucial, you go in knowing that no matter what happens, you can always rebuild.
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Failure makes you ready in ways that success never could.
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The next time I found myself pitching a show, I had a much clearer idea of what I wanted. I knew what I was good at and what I was better off delegating to others. I knew that as much as I believed in the show, if it all went south, I’d be okay.
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Because I’d failed, I wasn’t afraid of failing. And that enabled me to push a lot harder for what I believed in.
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The movie is unconventional and questionably commercial. In its wildest success, it might play festivals and arthouses before hitting DVD. Given all these risks, why do it?
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Because even in failure, I knew I’d grow from it. There were things I needed to learn about movies - and myself - that I wasn’t going to learn from writing another script.
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It’s just like weight training, really. You push yourself until your muscles fail. That’s how you grow stronger. Likewise, in life, unless you seek you’ll never mentally develop beyond that scrawny kid from high school.
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That’s why you have to drop to one knee and propose to the girl you’re pretty sure you love. That’s why you have to send out your résumé, even though your job is just fine. That’s why you have to climb that 14,000-foot mountain. It won’t always work out. You may get divorced. Or fired. Or frostbitten. But the alternative is a life of vague disappointment.
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When that nagging little voice pops up, wondering what’s going to happen if you fail, just ignore it. Yes, it’s hard. As humans, we’re programmed for loss aversion. But money is just money. Your job is just your job. Your life - the adventure of your life - is all you really have that’s yours.
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When things go wrong, when you’re sliding toward an unavoidable crash, don’t panic. In those long seconds before the impact, look around and figure out how you entered into this mess. Think about how you’ll frame the story a year from now, over a few beers. Can you come up with an honest version that ends, “So in a funny way, it was the best thing that ever happened to me”?
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Perfect. Then brace yourself.

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2) Perhaps it's time to take a leap instead of muddling through - Passion Ave & Conformity St, a blog post about making a choice when faced with crossroads. Not all that insightful in and of itself, but it does have that great title and these quotes that make me restless and keep me questioning work, my job, money, life, etc.:

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Work is necessary: “Without work, all life goes rotten. But when work is soulless, life stifles and dies.” —Albert Camus

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Stupid 401k: “Chase your passion, not your pension.”— Denis Waitley
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Don't settle: “Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves?”—Friedrich Nietzsche
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Need to love the work: “With out passion you don’t have energy, with out energy you have nothing.”— Donald Trump

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The time is now: “Waste no more time talking about great souls and how they should be. Become one yourself!”-Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
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You have to try: “Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.”-Oprah Winfrey

buy buy work

i'm miserable at my workplace and i hate working, so why should i litter my to-buy list with work-related objects?

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corollary:

darf min gehn in kolledj??

Scratch that, all on the floor

Loyal readers,

--

It is with great sadness that I report that I am 86ing my reverse sleep idea (i.e., making the working hours the last hours of my day), as apparently following anything but the suffocatingly rigid awake-in-the-morning-sleep-at-night routine is a carcinogen. Ever the health nut and hypochondriac, I'm extrapolating from the recent alarmist CNN article, "Overnight shift to be classified as 'probable' cancer cause." Notably, it states:

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"[S]cientists suspect that overnight work is dangerous because it disrupts the circadian rhythm, the body's biological clock. The hormone melatonin, which can suppress tumor development, is normally produced at night."

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Oy vey! Another hair-brained scheme bites the dust.

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Yours,

Me

To Do (Long-Run)

There are some things I keep thinking about doing that I cannot forget about. To help me remember to look into them, I'm recording them here.

1. relocating to that beachy area of Thailand that it was said I would enjoy (I think b/c language issues + __?? + low cost of living) - but med care, etc. (Mark)
2. relocating to India (e.g., Banjara Hills) - but how sustain self, not lose mind, etc.?
3. living full-time in an RV - ask Ruthie about boatlife b/c is very similar (small space, community); sewage situation; storage
4. horse as primary means of transport ($200/month to maintain or was it $2k/yr?) (Dead Broke horse farm)
5. commune - but what members + cult problems
6. house of extended family/ies (Tom Cruise allegedly, ancient times)
7. move to Hudson, NY
8. Gozo, Malta

Responsibility

I want no responsibility. I'll throw my money away on rent for the rest of my life to avoid the responsibility of home-ownership. I think that puts me in the upper echelon of lazy.

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I'm realizing that one of the most unpleasant parts of my job is being held responsible for substantive knowledge. I absolutely do not want this responsibility. I do not think I care nearly enough about the subject matter to want to master it. And I know I do not care enough about it to put effort in to get it right every time. I'm careless, and I'm lazy. So I'll overlook things just to get them done. The degree of investment and dedication that it would take to try (because you can never be right 100% of the time) to get things as close to right as possible is simply not in me. If it were my own stuff, yes, but anyone else's stuff, no. (I guess that makes me selfish, too.) I cannot surrender myself to the material I am working on, but I think that's what this job entails. I'm supposed to know my stuff, and I just don't want to.

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That said, I think I truly need to re-think the direction of my life. This is not immaturity talking, it's preference. There's other stuff I want to know and master and get right, but the stuff I'm working with certainly is not it. I either need a clerical job, where I don't have to make any decisions, or else I need to be the master of my own domain, where my selfishness will drive me to get things right, surrender myself, and take responsibility. Because I have no interest in assuming responsibility (and thus accountability) for stuff that's not mine.

Work Starts Thursday

after a multi-year hiatus, i am returning to the real world. i approach it with a confounding mix of dread, jade, and optimism at the unlocked potential of being a full-time employee.

a regular income, retirement plan, and insurance. huh?! are these not merely the petty comforts of the bourgeoisie, too chicken to ride bareback? i'm no chicken! i like riding bareback! yet i want the experience of indulging my bouge background so i at least know what it is that in principal i reject so hard. the problem is that i worry that i'll like it. nay, i know i'll like it because i am but a member of the petty bourgeoisie myself. the question is: do i give in or continue reinventing the wheel [of life] because my everything must be a revolution? [N.B. the revolution is exhausting: i want a prearranged marriage. why wasn't i born into a cultural program?]

to wit, once i taste the sweet meat of an employer-matched 401k, will i be the adam to their eve? will i decide my idealistic bohemian rhapsody is pure folly? and if so, will that be because i have:

a) attained a higher level of enlightenment or

b) become intellectually lazy, hoodwinked into complacency by the man's warm embrace?

moreover, all of this hullaballoo says nothing of the personal zest that being a "professional" will kill. ((that's right, stalkers, i'm a member of a storied profession! add that to your heart-shaped locket.)) professionals are held to certain standards by their peers and society. these standards help them to earn respect, money, and status. i've always enjoyed reverence, but is it worth sacrificing my inherently unprofessional core? [N.B. the barbie bandits are my friends.]