Responsibility

I want no responsibility. I'll throw my money away on rent for the rest of my life to avoid the responsibility of home-ownership. I think that puts me in the upper echelon of lazy.

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I'm realizing that one of the most unpleasant parts of my job is being held responsible for substantive knowledge. I absolutely do not want this responsibility. I do not think I care nearly enough about the subject matter to want to master it. And I know I do not care enough about it to put effort in to get it right every time. I'm careless, and I'm lazy. So I'll overlook things just to get them done. The degree of investment and dedication that it would take to try (because you can never be right 100% of the time) to get things as close to right as possible is simply not in me. If it were my own stuff, yes, but anyone else's stuff, no. (I guess that makes me selfish, too.) I cannot surrender myself to the material I am working on, but I think that's what this job entails. I'm supposed to know my stuff, and I just don't want to.

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That said, I think I truly need to re-think the direction of my life. This is not immaturity talking, it's preference. There's other stuff I want to know and master and get right, but the stuff I'm working with certainly is not it. I either need a clerical job, where I don't have to make any decisions, or else I need to be the master of my own domain, where my selfishness will drive me to get things right, surrender myself, and take responsibility. Because I have no interest in assuming responsibility (and thus accountability) for stuff that's not mine.

Screw!

In my ongoing struggle to 1) have storage space and 2) get moved in, I managed to a) use my new drill and b) create a huge hole in the wall. I have no idea if I used the drill properly [in the past 3 years I have lost all interest in reading instruction manuals], nor am I sure that making that big hole advances my purpose. But drilling is fun. Plus, that big hole will give me an excuse to one day go to Home Depot to figure out how to patch it up so I can get my security deposit back.

I went to Home Depot today, in fact, and experienced the joy of the shop class I never took. I asked a fellow customer for assistance with drywall/hollow wall screw toggles or whatnot (look at me, the quick study). He was both knowledgable and obviously a screwing enthusiast. It always tickles me how interested complete strangers (usually men) have in anyone and everyone's building and vehicular projects. I also thoroughly enjoy how these people can have an entire conversation about intentions, specifications, and strategies. I desperately want to join this coterie, but I feel like there are so many fundamentals that I have absolutely no idea about. What is a hollow wall? What is drywall? I need a handymannery for dummies book.

Anyway, it looks like I got the wrong screws, so I have to go back to Home Depot tomorrow to buy this other type I had my eyes on. And my progress at moving in is once again stalled. Arrgh. With all this trouble I'm going through, I better stay in this apartment for at least 2 years.