The Onus of Owning

Some good stuff on downsizing going on in these minimalist, recession days.

The Uniform Project (super cool clothing experiment. Thanks to my sister Ruthie for letting me know about this when it started!)

Tiny Houses (as soon as I find a good plot of land!). Love this tiny house, too.

And of course, The New York Times is covering all of it.

I'm not the Times, but I think I have written a few times about my own ambivalence towards and feelings of being burdened by possessions. I hate them. I hate acquiring them, I hate living around them, and most of all, I hate schlepping them. Thankfully, because I've moved abodes and/or changed states at least every 12 months* for the past several 13 years, I have kept my number of large possessions to a minimum (damn you, sea green metal medical cabinet). And each time I move, I purge a little more.

Currently, my mega-burdens are paper, clothing, and toiletries. And interestingly, the burden part of the equation comes largely from all the acquisitions I made (or gifts I received) from childhood through college. Yes, I'm a recovering packrat, and with the luxury of a stable childhood home and my own bedroom, I have a lifetime's worth of toiletries, perfume, and hair styling products.

I'm working on scanning the paper into oblivion, and I've started shampooing with my hand soap and rubbing myself frequently with all the exfoliants, moisturizers, and healing oils, but I'm always going to want to be surrounded by clothes. It's not that I'm buying new attire--I just love digging through my existing collection.

I'm glad I have experience with living with a small wardrobe. From 2003-2004, I went on a self-induced clothing diet. I was living in Los Angeles with only the carry-on suitcase I'd flown there for the weekend with. I had a dress, 1 or 2 pairs of pants, 3 or 4 shirts, and a t-shirt and shorts for working out. Jewelry consisted of two rings. It was enough variety that I wasn't wearing the same thing every single day, but I remember the excitement and fulfillment I felt when I returned to North Carolina and had full access to my entire wardrobe. I am winnowing my clothing habits down in one important way, though--quality over quantity.

I get inspired by reminding myself that I want my own tiny little house some day. Or, of course, a vintage Airstream. Could it be that the real estate one aspires to guides their life choices? E.g., picket-fenced house leads to need of husband to fit in which leads to need to birth kids to fit in which leads to need for new washer/dryer to fit in which leads to need to send daughter to ballet to fit in which leads to...

*Exception: from 2005-2007, I stayed in the same apartment for 2 years straight!

Body Composition Analysis

I just found an ancient body composition analysis that was performed on me one of the (many) times I joined The Spa in Chapel Hill.

Behold the results of the Futrex-5000 NIR Assessment:

Sex: Female
Current Weight: 124 lbs
Body Frame: Medium
Height: 62.0 inches
Exercise frequency: 4/5
Exercise intensity: 4/5
Exercise time: 4/5
Body Fat: 22.0% (trainer's handwritten note beside this says "Good")
Fat weight: 27 lbs
Lean (fat-free weight): 97 lbs
Total Body Water: 33.10 liters or 58.7%
Recommended Maximum Weight: Maintain Current Weight

Based on what I recall of the experience and the chronological history of my life, I'm estimating this analysis must have been conducted 9-12 years ago. Specifically, perhaps the Summer of 1998 (when I was working in Carolina Meadows?), possibly the Summer of 1999 (before and after I worked at the Framingham Heart Study), or possibly the Summer of 2001 while I bided my time between college and moving to NYC. It probably was not high school because I believe I always worked out at The Club for Women Only the whole duration of high school.

A new old leaf

It's a new decade, for both me and the Gregorian calendar. Whether it be developmental, chronological, or sheer serendipity, a new leaf has most certainly been overturned at this stage of my life cycle. I've freed myself of the capitalist prison where so many evolved thoughts, vivid dreams, and loud laughs have no place to flourish. The proletariat is just no place for someone who has no respect for the bourgeoisie.

Regrets are for the weak, which I can be sometimes. I regret that my internal fearmaster told me that I have to enter a capitalist prison in order to be able to disclaim it, my intuitive knowledge being insufficient to justify my disparagement of such things. I can see the logic (how many stalks of empty bamboo can one person be, lol?!), but it's been a grueling and painful ride indeed.

Whew. Thank goodness for new leaves.

Home Furnishings

A few months ago, Facebook was besieged by a plague of lists wherein people would share things about themselves. Not usually one to engage in mass hysterics, I would have sat this one out per usual, but my sister suggested we should both participate out of familial duty since our cousins had expressed interest in our doing so. Of course, I ended up the George to her Jerry, detailing various perceived idiosyncracies about myself in a painstaking act of reveal-thy-self, while she never quite got around to it. Bah humbug.

In that list (see below), I mentioned that home furnishings stress me out. Example: behold my teacups! I love them, but the thought of having to keep up with them and ensure their safety as I move from place to place is enough to make me want to just sell them off right now.

The List 25
1. Facebook stresses me out sometimes (case in point right here), as do doormen, home furnishings, and non-hair-related conversations with hairstylists.

2. I recently discovered that my abdomen has an onion intolerance, not the six embryos I had originally suspected.

3. I used to think I should live without regrets, but now I think that my regrets teach me important life lessons.

4. I start counting my regrets at kindergarten (because my pre-school self just didn't know any better).

5. All of my regrets involve interpersonal relationships, which I am terrible at navigating (but I'm sure you already knew that).

6. My first regret stems from the first day of kindergarten, when I was so relieved that Amy Smialowicz asked me to play that I am quite sure that I did not turn back to wave goodbye to my mother.

7. My second regret is that I never thanked Amy Smialowicz for asking me to play.

8. I attended four colleges in four years.

9. I resent all the other April Changs in the world for diluting the powerful cachet attached to my name.

10. A placenta once fell onto my shoe. The stain just recently faded.

11. I have a recurring nightmare where I fail my childhood piano teacher.

12. I'm interested in living in a commune of people who are successful, intelligent, and don't make me vomit. Please send leads.

13. I secretly wish everyone knew about my blog.

14. I took a weekend trip to Los Angeles with nothing but a carry-on suitcase and ended up staying there for a year.

15. I went nuts wearing my entire wardrobe when I returned from LA, but now I want to go back to having no belongings.

16. I grew up watching almost 40 hours of television per week.

17. Some jobs I've had: blueberry picker, street hustler (of comedy tickets), Pepsi Challenge promotional photographer, birth doula, nanny, telemarketer. This list is still growing.

18. Masseuses always tell me I'm flexible and have soft skin, but I think that's because they're used to hairy old people.

19. I once had an eyelash that was 1.5 inches long. I wanted to submit it to Guinness, but I couldn't find a photographer with both the skillz and willingness to photograph my novelty act.

20. As a child, I tried to domesticate a fly by trapping it in a plastic container and naming it Fred. To my horror, he died a few days later.

21. I also once used my Care Bear stuffed animal to mop up spilled apple juice.

22. And would stuff half-eaten hot dogs under the couch.

23. And would bite the edge of an oblong throw pillow and thrash it around while calling it a hot dog.

24. Self-checkout terminals have allowed me to live out my lifelong dream of being a grocery store clerk.

25. I have four alarm clocks and can sleep through all of them.

Jobs for Me

The following is a list of jobs I think I could enjoy, in no particular order (culled from the results of a 5-minute quiz on The Princeton Review's website):

• set designer. coincidentally, i wrote a paper on this career option in 9th grade, much to the dismay of my uptight Advanced English teacher). but n.b. this would have to be for sets for projects with meaning because ultimately i couldn't stress out about where Gwen Stefani's video screen was.
  
• florist. would have to develop green thumb. but like the contribution to aesthetics this job would provide. plus, clear opportunity for own business and distinguish self from rest (competitive spirit satisfied).
• mediator. a little ho-hum, but easy transition from current job. plus, opportunity for own business. one-on-one counseling element satisfied and working on something with meaning/respected/non-frivolous.
• trial lawyer. i'm surprised at this one because i have recently realized i detest selling/persuading others (either you see the light or you don't). one-on-one counseling potential, respected work, but ho-hum.
• writer. yep. but enslaved or free agent?
• secretary. but too high stakes because your principal relies on you for everything.
  
• professor. but need to know too much? satisfies prestige, respectability, non-sell-out but not a sucker, get one-on-one counseling element and showmanship.
• nutritionist. but low on the rung--why not doctor. = respectability in question. one-on-one counseling/imparting knowledge satisfied. field of interest.
• fashion designer. yes. i'll take this to include jewelry. but uphill battle w/ $.
  
• cosmetologist. yes. i'll take this to include estheticians. one-on-one counseling. work of value. aesthetic-oriented. own business opportunity. potential to school everyone.
• comedian. yep. uphill battle w/ $.
  
• college administrator. yes. one-on-one counseling (if student services/residential related). academic environment = respectable.
  
• career counselor. yes. one-on-one counseling, imparting knowledge.
  
• artist. see fashion designer.
• antiques dealer. own business, specialized knowledge, public-oriented.
• actor. see comedian.
  

Ambling Through Rambling Thoughts on the Role of Work

Thus far, I've been approaching my working life as a series of experiences. This is not borne out of a conscious effort--it is simply the way I see the world. I struggle a great deal with the idea of work. Apparently it is necessary in our society--it is what we do with ourselves. So for me, what I do with myself has been a series of thoughtful adventures--ways to bide my time. But ultimately, all this time-biding begs the question: do I want to keep racking up narcissistic trophies to showcase the panopoly of things I've done, pursuing novelty job/career paths but never fully investing in any one of them? Or, do I want to actually produce a life's work. Work that gets enriched by experience. And the answer, I believe, is a no to the former and a yes to the latter.

And here is where my impatience enters. I hate the idea of further wasting precious experience-gaining years on novelty acts and vanity jobs. My current job is the beginning to a marvelous career, complete with intellectual challenge, ample recognition, and financial rewards. But ultimately, I don't want to have lived my life in this career. The thought of even spending two years in this field petrifies me.

What, then, is the solution? How should I make money instead? Should I make money pursuing my creative interests instead or in addition? My initial plan was to pursue my creative interests in addition. But woe is me, I failed to realize the folly of that plan--to work in this field is to work at minimum 40 hours per week, which for me leaves precious little time for much else.

Aside: I have recently been giving much thought to energy levels and individual success and compatibility with others. We each have our own energy level. Matching of energy levels is important for compatibility, but do those with low energy levels succeed or achieve less than their high-energy counterparts? They most certainly would be less prolific. But a singular piece of high quality work can be enough. I would consider myself to be someone who possesses a moderate energy level. This means I can work 55 hours/week and find time to do other activities, but the other activities can probably only amount to about 7-8 hours at the absolute maximum without me feeling like my life is falling apart, and even then, I don't feel like my household is running properly.

I think the solution is to find a less demanding job that will still allow me to:

1. get out of debt and
2. have time for creative pursuits

and the goal would be to eventually transition out of that job entirely and focus 100% on the creative pursuit.

Potential less time-intensive jobs:

• career counselor
• admissions officer
• RA
• job recruiter
• non-profit job

When to shift:

1) In 1.5 years, after credit card debt paid off?
2) In 20 years, after I have firmly established myself as a respectable member of society?

Remember: extreme early retirement.

That's my jam.

YES: A recent Op-Ed in the NY Times: "What Life Asks of Us" by David Brooks.

A few years ago, a faculty committee at Harvard produced a report on the purpose of education. “The aim of a liberal education” the report declared, “is to unsettle presumptions, to defamiliarize the familiar, to reveal what is going on beneath and behind appearances, to disorient young people and to help them to find ways to reorient themselves.”

The report implied an entire way of living. Individuals should learn to think for themselves. They should be skeptical of pre-existing arrangements. They should break free from the way they were raised, examine life from the outside and discover their own values.

This approach is deeply consistent with the individualism of modern culture, with its emphasis on personal inquiry, personal self-discovery and personal happiness. But there is another, older way of living, and it was discussed in a neglected book that came out last summer called “On Thinking Institutionally” by the political scientist Hugh Heclo.

In this way of living, to borrow an old phrase, we are not defined by what we ask of life. We are defined by what life asks of us. As we go through life, we travel through institutions — first family and school, then the institutions of a profession or a craft.

Each of these institutions comes with certain rules and obligations that tell us how to do what we’re supposed to do. Journalism imposes habits that help reporters keep a mental distance from those they cover. Scientists have obligations to the community of researchers. In the process of absorbing the rules of the institutions we inhabit, we become who we are.

New generations don’t invent institutional practices. These practices are passed down and evolve. So the institutionalist has a deep reverence for those who came before and built up the rules that he has temporarily taken delivery of. “In taking delivery,” Heclo writes, “institutionalists see themselves as debtors who owe something, not creditors to whom something is owed.”

The rules of a profession or an institution are not like traffic regulations. They are deeply woven into the identity of the people who practice them. A teacher’s relationship to the craft of teaching, an athlete’s relationship to her sport, a farmer’s relation to her land is not an individual choice that can be easily reversed when psychic losses exceed psychic profits. Her social function defines who she is. The connection is more like a covenant. There will be many long periods when you put more into your institutions than you get out.

In 2005, Ryne Sandberg was inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame. Heclo cites his speech as an example of how people talk when they are defined by their devotion to an institution:

“I was in awe every time I walked onto the field. That’s respect. I was taught you never, ever disrespect your opponents or your teammates or your organization or your manager and never, ever your uniform. You make a great play, act like you’ve done it before; get a big hit, look for the third base coach and get ready to run the bases.”

Sandberg motioned to those inducted before him, “These guys sitting up here did not pave the way for the rest of us so that players could swing for the fences every time up and forget how to move a runner over to third. It’s disrespectful to them, to you and to the game of baseball that we all played growing up.

“Respect. A lot of people say this honor validates my career, but I didn’t work hard for validation. I didn’t play the game right because I saw a reward at the end of the tunnel. I played it right because that’s what you’re supposed to do, play it right and with respect ... . If this validates anything, it’s that guys who taught me the game ... did what they were supposed to do, and I did what I was supposed to do.”

I thought it worth devoting a column to institutional thinking because I try to keep a list of the people in public life I admire most. Invariably, the people who make that list have subjugated themselves to their profession, social function or institution.

Second, institutional thinking is eroding. Faith in all institutions, including charities, has declined precipitously over the past generation, not only in the U.S. but around the world. Lack of institutional awareness has bred cynicism and undermined habits of behavior. Bankers, for example, used to have a code that made them a bit stodgy and which held them up for ridicule in movies like “Mary Poppins.” But the banker’s code has eroded, and the result was not liberation but self-destruction.

Institutions do all the things that are supposed to be bad. They impede personal exploration. They enforce conformity.

But they often save us from our weaknesses and give meaning to life.

This is exactly what I've been talking about. I use "prearranged marriage" as a proxy for all things "institutional," in the words of David Brooks and apparently a one Mr. Hugh Heclo. My personal list of admirees does not include conformists or the subjugated--or, at least, the reason for their being on my list tends to do more with their individualistic pioneering spirit. Nonetheless, I still believe that to willingly live* within an institution may very well be our one true path to happiness. If I have an institution, it is that derived from a bourgeois, individualistic, liberal arts milieu, which, yes, has pretty much thrown my psyche directly into the agony of groundlessness and eternal query (loyal readers, thanks for listening to me kvetch about what exhausting work that has been).

Do ancient societies, once again, know best? Is the most well adjusted child in modern American society therefore the one who has the perils of the individualistic liberal arts education offset by traditionalist parents who provide unending guilt and reminders of the child's obligations to a larger whole?

*I now consider split infinitives to be the righteous path. Obamanos.

10-year replacement cycle

it seems that several of my major belongings are all coming due for replacement at the same time.

because my mind is boggled and blown by how much of my stuff has literally deteriorated or been used up, i'm going to keep an ongoing list here:

1. sneakers for the exercise
2. digital camera
3. computer
4. summer sandals/flip flops
5. summer dresses
6. nightclothes
7. casual belts
8. casual bags
9. eyeglasses
10. exercise clothes
11. pants to kick around in
12. casual summer shirts
13. nasty t-shirts

do you know how long it took me to build a decent nasty t-shirt collection?!

update (7/30/08):

1. down comforter
2. jeans

update (9/5/08):

1. carry-on suitcase
2. weekender shoulder luggage

update (3/18/09):

1. got a digital camera (thanks!)
2. got a down comforter
   

creative people see more

there was recently a medical study comparing the brains of creative people with those of the non-creative. what i gleaned from the write-up was that creative people are evidently more distractable by the many variables of a situation.

this finding is in line with my own observations. those people i know who i consider to be creative see the many potentialities of a situation, as opposed to one clear path. and that enhanced sight can be a blessing and a curse--seeing the world through a lens of possibilities is both invigorating and paralyzing at the same time. career choice is one obvious example. with an open mind regarding the type of life that could bring joy, the type of goals to strive for, and the ways to achieve those goals, there is often a less clear career path for creative folks than there is for those who are happy as clams if they attain, in any way possible, a) a big house, b) a family, and c) a secure retirement.

ignorance, it seems, is indeed bliss.

lossed

I'm all lost again, and I was unable to take any action in light thereof, so I gave myself a deadline of the end of March to gain clarity & take action (about 4 weeks). Then, with about 1 week left, I gave myself a 1-week extension to April 6th. Given the impending deadline, I need to spend some focused time contemplating myself and my future self this weekend.

--

So I am organizing these three quotes/maxims in one place to keep me from losing further sight of things:

1. It doesn't matter where you are but what you're doing.
2. On moving: wherever you go, there you are. You have to be the panacea you wish to see in the world.
3. Bloom where you're planted.

The first two are courtesy of The Wise Messr. Alexander. The bloom notion is courtesy of Joel Osteen in Your Best Life Now discussing god (apparently), but widely applicable, I think.

The bloom notion elaborated:

I was walking in the woods one day when I came to a big, open field that was full of tall weeds. Everywhere I looked, all I could see were ugly, brown, dried-up weeds. But when I went a little farther down the path, I noticed one beautiful flower standing in the midst of all the weeds. It was so colorful, so vivid and, amazingly, it had blossomed right there in the midst of those drab, dreary weeds. You may live or work around a bunch of weeds, but don't let that stop you from blooming. Realize that your environment does not prevent you from being happy. Some people spend all their time trying to pull up all the weeds. Meanwhile, they miss much of their lives.

On Creativity & Independence

Since graduating from graduate school in May, I feel I have finally been released into the wild with as close to a clue as I'll ever get. (NB - I don't think anyone ever has a full clue, so to strive for that is ridiculous and to wait for the dawning of that day is foolhardy. Go full speed with what you know at the time, and then adjust accordingly when you learn otherwise.)
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My graduate degree is in a highly conservative field that follows a structured, rigid path in everything it does. In addition, I had the good fortune of going to a graduate school with a student population unlike anything I would ever voluntarily associate myself with (15 years behind in awareness, unapologetically ignorant, the like). The whole endeavor was a culture shock for me and a significant learning experience. Don't get me wrong--I was miserable and had wholesale hate for 98% of my classmates, and even now, I only half-like the 2% I consider to be my friends, but I appreciate the experience for what it taught me. To wit: that I am different from most people in that I am more creative and more thoughtful than most people.
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Now, I knew these things about myself from the bottom of my heart already, but my bland graduate schooling was just the foil to my being that I needed. Really, what it did was give me the swift kick in the butt that I needed to finally embrace myself and my true nature.
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With a clearer vision of myself, who I am, what I want, my modus operandi, etc., I have been able to define more fully the meaning of the word "creativity" for my personal dictionary.
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Creativity is more than, for example, skill at aesthetics. Is the neighborhood hairdresser with an eye for flattering hairstyles creative? I venture to say no, though I do recognize and appreciate her good eye. Full-on creativity seeps into all facets of life, resulting in a complete liberation of the mind. A free mind constrained not by the infrastructure of daily life--that is what marks the truly creative.
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I think I have a good working definition for two reasons: 1) it bespeaks of a certain independence from society, people, and one's own self, which is key, if not the key to creative thought and 2) it allows for the location of creative individuals any and everywhere--all too often, I think people operate on a narrow definition of creativity that pretty much isolates the identification of creative people to those who work in creative industries. This is a prime example of constrained thinking. A drone is a drone is a drone, even if that drone spends his days dESiGniNg tHe LoOK oF fOoD on a plate to be photographed for a menu.
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Extrapolation
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The truly creative exist in constant conflict with the rest of society. With liberated minds, these individuals are able to see more potential in every aspect of life. And with that heightened vision comes complications, e.g.,: (1) more choices, which can be paralyzing; (2) dissonance between what they see and what society sees, what they want and what society wants; and (3) a seeming inability to meet societal expectations.
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A few steps may be taken to avoid these complications. For now, I can think of three to share:
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• active resistance. you have to resist the crushing structure of living the way that most people are living or else you will be unhappy. doing this requires ignoring most people (see below), including any friends and loved ones who do not have the same creative capacity that you do (why you're even friends with them is another post), for they will not understand, and someone, either you or they, will feel alienated. note: it will be harmful if you're the one that feels alienated.




• intentional communities. not necessarily a hippie commune, but efforts to surround yourself with other people whose ideas, though not necessarily similar to yours, also fly as high as kites will reduce the discomfort of existence in society




• try not to get caught in a wheel of society. this is a bit tangential, but still important and related to the above. endeavor to make lifestyle choices that don't carry the potential of coming back and biting you in the butt because then you might have to succumb to a fold that is disharmonious with who you are. e.g., getting a new car might bind you to working a disharmonious job so you can pay for it, having a child might force a certain stability out of you that you don't have to give (& is therefore disharmonious).

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The "cartoons drawn on the back of business cards" guy Hugh MacLeod inspired me to write this after just a cursory look at this posting of his on creativity + authenticity, which i found while googling how to start my own business: http://www.gapingvoid.com/Moveable_Type/archives/000932.html
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If a cursory look could inspire me, what could reading the whole thing do? I read it, and it has sublime insights. It's like he took my jumbled thoughts, added eloquence and profound thinking, diced, seasoned, marinated, ate, and digested them 10 years ago and now there's a green sprig that has sprouted in the fertilizer, and he's talking about how it got there. The introductory how-to list on being creative is compelling--the post, of which a pdf is also available, elaborates on it. For your convenience and pleasure, here is the list:
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1. Ignore everybody.
2. The idea doesn't have to be big. It just has to be yours.
3. Put the hours in.
4. If your biz plan depends on you suddenly being "discovered" by some big shot, your plan will probably fail.
5. You are responsible for your own experience.
6. Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten.
7. Keep your day job.
8. Companies that squelch creativity can no longer compete with companies that champion creativity.
9. Everybody has their own private Mount Everest they were put on this earth to climb.
10. The more talented somebody is, the less they need the props.
11. Don't try to stand out from the crowd; avoid crowds altogether. 12. If you accept the pain, it cannot hurt you.
13. Never compare your inside with somebody else's outside.
14. Dying young is overrated.
15. The most important thing a creative person can learn professionally is where to draw the red line that separates what you are willing to do, and what you are not.
16. The world is changing.
17. Merit can be bought. Passion can't.
18. Avoid the Watercooler Gang.
19. Sing in your own voice.
20. The choice of media is irrelevant.
21. Selling out is harder than it looks.
22. Nobody cares. Do it for yourself.
23. Worrying about "Commercial vs. Artistic" is a complete waste of time.
24. Don't worry about finding inspiration. It comes eventually.
25. You have to find your own schtick.
26. Write from the heart.
27. The best way to get approval is not to need it.
28. Power is never given. Power is taken.
29. Whatever choice you make, The Devil gets his due eventually.
30. The hardest part of being creative is getting used to it.
31. Remain frugal.
32. Allow your work to age with you.
33. Being Poor Sucks.
34. Beware of turning hobbies into jobs.
35. Savor obscurity while it lasts.
36. Start blogging.

no more delays

i've been giving much thought to my future (what's left of it, egads) and have come to the conclusion that i need to stop delaying what i expect my life to be. if i expect it to be X, then it should be X right now, not later, when A, B, & C happen and Y finally falls into place. make it X now.

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in consequence, i've been mulling over some major life decisions of late. my conclusions are still incomplete, but the most valuable aspect of my racing mind is the sensation that i need to come to grips with the reality of my life as i never have before. this is my life. i can't keep wishing or waiting for it to be something else--it is what it is. and if it is not what i've been waiting for it to be, then i need to stop waiting. i need to make it what i wish it to be right here and now.

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* * *

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i am many things at heart, one of which is a yuppie, through and through. on valentine's day, the new york times ran an article about the eyesore that a house becomes once children enter the scene (read the article, "Parent Shock: Children Are Not Décor," here).

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it may be that everything i read these days lights a fire under my ass, but this article lit an atomic bomb. it resonated with a lot of my recent thinkings. in sum, it interviews 3+ couples who had just gotten to a place in their lives when they could get their house interiors the way they wanted, and then they had children and the decor went to hell (ugly children's toys, begrudging safety precautions, etc.).

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i'm 28, and though i have great interest in interior design, i have thus far delayed having a home of any permanence or aesthetic accomplishment due to what i have perceived as my transitory life. granted, i've lived a more transitory life than many others, but shouldn't i breathe fullness into each step i take? if i keep postponing the transformation of a living space into the coveted paradise i fantasize about in my head, then i may never get around to having that paradise.

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corollary - am i:

1. who i strive to be
2. who i am on occasion
3. who i am usually or
4. who i end up being through inadvertance?

likewise, if i keep postponing the proper routine of domesticity that i want to have, then i will never have such a routine, and i will never be the person i want to be (e.g., i'm not martha stewart until i act like martha stewart).

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* * *

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i've focused this discussion on interior design, but the thought process i'm teasing apart is applicable to all facets of my life. distilled down, it amounts to two maxims:

1. don't delay
2. be what i want to be & live the life i want to live right here and now

i'm eustressed and distressed with these revelations. i feel i'm seeing things with a clarity that is unprecedented. and for the first time in my life, i know that i'm on the brink of something good.

tomorrow, the bronx

today, i go to staten island. should i stay in new york city, i choose to live in a backwater.

fyi

and my doormen can go to hell, too.

beefcake

What you are looking at is a disgustingly large number of cows at feeding time in a feed lot in CA. This picture accompanied the New York Times article mentioned below.
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All these years of not eating much meat for selfish reasons, and it turns out I was conserving energy for the world to boot! Also, reading this article reminds me that meat is for plebs. Ever the snob, I find myself wanting to avoid meat even more now.

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Excerpt from "Rethinking the Meat-Guzzler"*(NY Times)

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A SEA change in the consumption of a resource that Americans take for granted may be in store — something cheap, plentiful, widely enjoyed and a part of daily life. And it isn’t oil.
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It’s meat.
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The two commodities share a great deal: Like oil, meat is subsidized by the federal government. Like oil, meat is subject to accelerating demand as nations become wealthier, and this, in turn, sends prices higher. Finally — like oil — meat is something people are encouraged to consume less of, as the toll exacted by industrial production increases, and becomes increasingly visible.
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Global demand for meat has multiplied in recent years, encouraged by growing affluence and nourished by the proliferation of huge, confined animal feeding operations. These assembly-line meat factories consume enormous amounts of energy, pollute water supplies, generate significant greenhouse gases and require ever-increasing amounts of corn, soy and other grains, a dependency that has led to the destruction of vast swaths of the world’s tropical rain forests.
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Just this week, the president of Brazil announced emergency measures to halt the burning and cutting of the country’s rain forests for crop and grazing land. In the last five months alone, the government says, 1,250 square miles were lost.
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The world’s total meat supply was 71 million tons in 1961. In 2007, it was estimated to be 284 million tons. Per capita consumption has more than doubled over that period. (In the developing world, it rose twice as fast, doubling in the last 20 years.) World meat consumption is expected to double again by 2050, which one expert, Henning Steinfeld of the United Nations, says is resulting in a “relentless growth in livestock production.”
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Americans eat about the same amount of meat as we have for some time, about eight ounces a day, roughly twice the global average. At about 5 percent of the world’s population, we “process” (that is, grow and kill) nearly 10 billion animals a year, more than 15 percent of the world’s total.
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Growing meat (it’s hard to use the word “raising” when applied to animals in factory farms) uses so many resources that it’s a challenge to enumerate them all. But consider: an estimated 30 percent of the earth’s ice-free land is directly or indirectly involved in livestock production, according to the United Nation’s Food and Agriculture Organization, which also estimates that livestock production generates nearly a fifth of the world’s greenhouse gases — more than transportation.
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To put the energy-using demand of meat production into easy-to-understand terms, Gidon Eshel, a geophysicist at the Bard Center, and Pamela A. Martin, an assistant professor of geophysics at the University of Chicago, calculated that if Americans were to reduce meat consumption by just 20 percent it would be as if we all switched from a standard sedan — a Camry, say — to the ultra-efficient Prius. Similarly, a study last year by the National Institute of Livestock and Grassland Science in Japan estimated that 2.2 pounds of beef is responsible for the equivalent amount of carbon dioxide emitted by the average European car every 155 miles, and burns enough energy to light a 100-watt bulb for nearly 20 days.
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Grain, meat and even energy are roped together in a way that could have dire results. More meat means a corresponding increase in demand for feed, especially corn and soy, which some experts say will contribute to higher prices.
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This will be inconvenient for citizens of wealthier nations, but it could have tragic consequences for those of poorer ones, especially if higher prices for feed divert production away from food crops. The demand for ethanol is already pushing up prices, and explains, in part, the 40 percent rise last year in the food price index calculated by the United Nations’ Food and Agricultural Organization.
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Though some 800 million people on the planet now suffer from hunger or malnutrition, the majority of corn and soy grown in the world feeds cattle, pigs and chickens. This despite the inherent inefficiencies: about two to five times more grain is required to produce the same amount of calories through livestock as through direct grain consumption, according to Rosamond Naylor, an associate professor of economics at Stanford University. It is as much as 10 times more in the case of grain-fed beef in the United States.
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The environmental impact of growing so much grain for animal feed is profound. Agriculture in the United States — much of which now serves the demand for meat — contributes to nearly three-quarters of all water-quality problems in the nation’s rivers and streams, according to the Evironmental Protection Agency.
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Because the stomachs of cattle are meant to digest grass, not grain, cattle raised industrially thrive only in the sense that they gain weight quickly. This diet made it possible to remove cattle from their natural environment and encourage the efficiency of mass confinement and slaughter. But it causes enough health problems that administration of antibiotics is routine, so much so that it can result in antibiotic-resistant bacteria that threaten the usefulness of medicines that treat people.
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Those grain-fed animals, in turn, are contributing to health problems among the world’s wealthier citizens — heart disease, some types of cancer, diabetes. The argument that meat provides useful protein makes sense, if the quantities are small. But the “you gotta eat meat” claim collapses at American levels. Even if the amount of meat we eat weren’t harmful, it’s way more than enough.
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Americans are downing close to 200 pounds of meat, poultry and fish per capita per year (dairy and eggs are separate, and hardly insignificant), an increase of 50 pounds per person from 50 years ago. We each consume something like 110 grams of protein a day, about twice the federal government’s recommended allowance; of that, about 75 grams come from animal protein. (The recommended level is itself considered by many dietary experts to be higher than it needs to be.) It’s likely that most of us would do just fine on around 30 grams of protein a day, virtually all of it from plant sources .

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*By the way, Mark Bittman wrote this article. He is the author of some reknown cookbooks, both meat and non. I've looked at his renderings of vegetarian cooking in How to Cook Everything Vegetarian, though, and the dishes suck. Oh, bother, I say! Because if this meat-eater is going to write a meat-bashing expose, should not there be an offering of tasty non-meat alternatives at the ready?

the square community

i suppress 85% myself in my working life. is this choice or necessity? i feel it's necessity. in an effort to be who they want me to be, i feel i can't be me, and so i turn into an empty canvas. no personality, no opinions, no style.
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i've been waging a war against the square community for almost a decade now, and it's starting to feel like the squares are winning. they're making me bland. i'm conforming to their lackluster desires. i'm wearing their lackluster clothing and following their lackluster schedule and letting their pathetic hopes, dreams, fears, comforts, and existence seep into mine.
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i need to move to an abandoned warehouse in the country.
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i need to know what claude monet and rainer maria rilke did besides paint and write.
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these 2 writings are helpful:

1) Failure is the best thing ever because it broadens your horizons and equips you in ways success never could - an article in Men's Health (as posted in someone else's blog). Excerpt:

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Maybe failure isn’t the problem. Maybe expectation is.
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After I was fired from my TV show, I was certain I’d never work in television again. I’d been given a great opportunity and blown it. The studio and network were out millions of dollars. But then the phone started ringing, with studios and networks asking whether I’d consider doing TV again. What had changed?
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Nothing. I’d simply forgotten what folks working in TV take as a given: Most shows fail. Every spring, the networks introduce new products to replace the fall and winter die-off. When a show tanks, they don’t spend weeks wondering why. They put a new show in its place.
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They expect failure, and are delighted when it doesn’t come.
In the case of Tom, my hunch is that he’d become stuck in an expectation loop. He’d spent years carefully mapping out his ascent: student-body president, law-school review, a great internship. He expected to succeed - we all should - but he hadn’t considered alternate paths to success. One misstep sent him scrambling, questioning all his other assumptions. Of course, it’d be wrong for me to write Tom off. Maybe his latest failure will force him to reassess his expectations. Maybe it’ll be what finally propels him to success.
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Most of us will never run a TV show or run for elected office. But we will all fail, repeatedly. Failure is a universal condition. We lose our jobs; we lose our marriages; we lose to the dealer’s flush in Vegas.
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When these traumas happen, we generally find ourselves on the familiar Kübler-Ross stages of loss: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But how we cope is less important than how we remember the experiences afterward. The best failures aren’t forgotten; they’re incorporated into our life’s narrative.
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My D.C. debacle, as miserable as it was to live through, has become a cherished memory. It’s a small scar that invites a big story, with big personalities. At first, I framed myself as the innocent victim in the drama, but over the years I came to view the whole thing as more of a hurricane that we all weathered together.
The great thing about surviving a storm is that you’re much better prepared the next time the winds start kicking up. You recognize the early warnings. You stock up on essentials. And, most crucial, you go in knowing that no matter what happens, you can always rebuild.
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Failure makes you ready in ways that success never could.
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The next time I found myself pitching a show, I had a much clearer idea of what I wanted. I knew what I was good at and what I was better off delegating to others. I knew that as much as I believed in the show, if it all went south, I’d be okay.
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Because I’d failed, I wasn’t afraid of failing. And that enabled me to push a lot harder for what I believed in.
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The movie is unconventional and questionably commercial. In its wildest success, it might play festivals and arthouses before hitting DVD. Given all these risks, why do it?
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Because even in failure, I knew I’d grow from it. There were things I needed to learn about movies - and myself - that I wasn’t going to learn from writing another script.
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It’s just like weight training, really. You push yourself until your muscles fail. That’s how you grow stronger. Likewise, in life, unless you seek you’ll never mentally develop beyond that scrawny kid from high school.
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That’s why you have to drop to one knee and propose to the girl you’re pretty sure you love. That’s why you have to send out your résumé, even though your job is just fine. That’s why you have to climb that 14,000-foot mountain. It won’t always work out. You may get divorced. Or fired. Or frostbitten. But the alternative is a life of vague disappointment.
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When that nagging little voice pops up, wondering what’s going to happen if you fail, just ignore it. Yes, it’s hard. As humans, we’re programmed for loss aversion. But money is just money. Your job is just your job. Your life - the adventure of your life - is all you really have that’s yours.
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When things go wrong, when you’re sliding toward an unavoidable crash, don’t panic. In those long seconds before the impact, look around and figure out how you entered into this mess. Think about how you’ll frame the story a year from now, over a few beers. Can you come up with an honest version that ends, “So in a funny way, it was the best thing that ever happened to me”?
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Perfect. Then brace yourself.

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2) Perhaps it's time to take a leap instead of muddling through - Passion Ave & Conformity St, a blog post about making a choice when faced with crossroads. Not all that insightful in and of itself, but it does have that great title and these quotes that make me restless and keep me questioning work, my job, money, life, etc.:

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Work is necessary: “Without work, all life goes rotten. But when work is soulless, life stifles and dies.” —Albert Camus

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Stupid 401k: “Chase your passion, not your pension.”— Denis Waitley
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Don't settle: “Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves?”—Friedrich Nietzsche
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Need to love the work: “With out passion you don’t have energy, with out energy you have nothing.”— Donald Trump

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The time is now: “Waste no more time talking about great souls and how they should be. Become one yourself!”-Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
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You have to try: “Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.”-Oprah Winfrey

Work Starts Thursday

after a multi-year hiatus, i am returning to the real world. i approach it with a confounding mix of dread, jade, and optimism at the unlocked potential of being a full-time employee.

a regular income, retirement plan, and insurance. huh?! are these not merely the petty comforts of the bourgeoisie, too chicken to ride bareback? i'm no chicken! i like riding bareback! yet i want the experience of indulging my bouge background so i at least know what it is that in principal i reject so hard. the problem is that i worry that i'll like it. nay, i know i'll like it because i am but a member of the petty bourgeoisie myself. the question is: do i give in or continue reinventing the wheel [of life] because my everything must be a revolution? [N.B. the revolution is exhausting: i want a prearranged marriage. why wasn't i born into a cultural program?]

to wit, once i taste the sweet meat of an employer-matched 401k, will i be the adam to their eve? will i decide my idealistic bohemian rhapsody is pure folly? and if so, will that be because i have:

a) attained a higher level of enlightenment or

b) become intellectually lazy, hoodwinked into complacency by the man's warm embrace?

moreover, all of this hullaballoo says nothing of the personal zest that being a "professional" will kill. ((that's right, stalkers, i'm a member of a storied profession! add that to your heart-shaped locket.)) professionals are held to certain standards by their peers and society. these standards help them to earn respect, money, and status. i've always enjoyed reverence, but is it worth sacrificing my inherently unprofessional core? [N.B. the barbie bandits are my friends.]