Responsibility

I want no responsibility. I'll throw my money away on rent for the rest of my life to avoid the responsibility of home-ownership. I think that puts me in the upper echelon of lazy.

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I'm realizing that one of the most unpleasant parts of my job is being held responsible for substantive knowledge. I absolutely do not want this responsibility. I do not think I care nearly enough about the subject matter to want to master it. And I know I do not care enough about it to put effort in to get it right every time. I'm careless, and I'm lazy. So I'll overlook things just to get them done. The degree of investment and dedication that it would take to try (because you can never be right 100% of the time) to get things as close to right as possible is simply not in me. If it were my own stuff, yes, but anyone else's stuff, no. (I guess that makes me selfish, too.) I cannot surrender myself to the material I am working on, but I think that's what this job entails. I'm supposed to know my stuff, and I just don't want to.

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That said, I think I truly need to re-think the direction of my life. This is not immaturity talking, it's preference. There's other stuff I want to know and master and get right, but the stuff I'm working with certainly is not it. I either need a clerical job, where I don't have to make any decisions, or else I need to be the master of my own domain, where my selfishness will drive me to get things right, surrender myself, and take responsibility. Because I have no interest in assuming responsibility (and thus accountability) for stuff that's not mine.