can't stand ya

Last night I dreamt that I was helping George Costanza with his Manhattan apartment hunt. Specifically, I went with him to check out a $1050/month studio broker apartment in my neighborhood with a private balcony and an impossible woodsy view of a Chapel Hill, NC forest. The balcony and view were amazing, but the apartment and the rest of the apartment building were a touch delapidated, which explained the low price but still seemed unusual because of the location and private balconies.

The whole time I was thinking in the back of my head how I was going to feel with George being in my neighborhood. It would mean we would become better friends and I would get scooped up into the Seinfeld clan, which would be pretty neat, I thought, since I had enjoyed their company when they were on television. But then I gave it further thought, and it occurred to me that I probably wouldn't really get along with that group. And George would probably grow extremely annoying extremely quickly.

I can't believe how ridiculous I am. Now, in my waking life, I'm actually kind of bummed at the realization that I wouldn't like Seinfeld and his fictitious buddies. For this bizarre blurring of my boundaries between fiction and reality, I blame TBS.com, which has full episodes online for me to listen to while I mutter and putter around my apartment.

stain of disdain

I have the same job I've had since September, but my boss has changed. My old boss was promoted because she knows people in high places and because people who don't see how she acts behind closed doors respect her. She works hard, is anal, and strives to do the best possible job she can. She does a good job. My new boss works hard and strives to do the best possible job she can, too, but she is not insufferably anal. She is also nice, pleasant, and sociable. She also does a good job.

--

In the past 2 months or so, I've had 2 dreams about my old insufferable boss. They have both centered upon me finally getting recognition and approval from her. In the dreams, she is warm and caring toward me and proud of me. I never realized I cared so much about being validated by her until I started having these dreams. The sense of pride and accomplishment that I feel when I have these precious moments with my old boss is immense. I imagine this must be the way that sons often feel about their fathers in the archetype of the emotionally distant father who the son desperately wants to make proud and hear utter the words, "good job, son."

--

It amazes me that my old boss continues to permeate my psyche when a) I only worked for her for 4 months and b) it's been another 4 months since I stopped working for her. I wonder if her children are similarly starved for her approval. (I know her relationship with them can be rocky.)

--

It also amazes me that my working relationship with my old boss is such that this dynamic exists in the first place. There's something twisted and wrong about a boss-subordinate relationship where the subordinate is made to feel desperately in need of validation from the boss. I'm typically a rather autonomous worker, and coddling from an employer I need not--disinterest is fine. Perhaps, however, it is the unmistakeable air of disdain that she emits to most all of her staff (except the chosen few) that is what engendered such desperation in me. Now, I guess I just need to flip that desperation to disinterest.

school year calendar

1978-1979: born

1979-1980: 0-1

1980-1981: 1-2

1981-1982: 2-3

1982-1983: 3-4

1983-1984: 4-5

1984-1985: 5-6 Kindergarten

1985-1986: 6-7 1st

1986-1987: 7-8 2nd, moved (Nov), Taiwan (summer)

1987-1988: 8-9 3rd

1988-1989: 9-10 4th

1989-1990: 10-11 5th

1990-1991: 11-12 6th

1991-1992: 12-13 7th

1992-1993: 13-14 8th

1993-1994: 14-15 9th

1994-1995: 15-16 10th, TCBY (summer?)

1995-1996: 16-17 11th, TCBY (fall?), FGI (summer?), Earthwatch England (summer)

1996-1997: 17-18 12th

1997-1998: 18-19 Pomona, Life Sci/Carolina Meadows (summer)

1998-1999: 19-20 Pomona/Smith/Amherst, Framingham/HipHub (summer)

1999-2000: 20-21 Wellesley, SURE (summer)

2000-2001: 21-22 Wellesley, Jamaica (Dec-Jan), graduated

2001-2002: 22-23 Home/Smither (UNC), NYC/Core (Estee Lauder, Random House, adding machine)/Krebsbach/Sunshine (Oct-May/June), Home/Randstad (Duke)

2002-2003: 23-24 AmeriCorps (Aug-Aug), Home, LA (Griffins, Eshmoilis, Sony) (Sept-)

2003-2004: 24-25 LA (-July), Home/Smither (CH-Carr City Schools)

2004-2005: 25-26 Grad School, NYC/LasalleHolland (summer)

2005-2006: 26-27 Grad School, US BA's Office/India (summer)

2006-2007: 27-28 Grad School, graduated

2007-2008: 28-29 NYC, State

Melons calm me

An avid lover of fruit I am.
Stone fruit, cold fruit, warm fruit
I am.
Melon fruits they satiate
Memories they illuminate
Reminding me of melancholy
The melancholy
I am.