Barney Reloaded

I just made a wonderful discovery: a series of movies made by The White House from the perspective of Barney, one of Mr. President's Scottish Terriers. Briefly obsessed, I made it through the entire series.

My favorite by far is Barney Reloaded. In this caper, Barney is charged with a job to do, and oh, boy, does he do it! You would not believe the hi jinks our favorite canine pulls, but in the end, he is the boss!!

The only way to access these excellent films is through the kids' section of whitehouse.gov, which unfortunately has caused the entire oeuvre to exist in relative obscurity. In an effort to allow these movies to reach a broader audience, here is the link:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/barney/barney-bio.html

These movies are also the closest we may get to a reality show about life in The White House (unless, perhaps, finger-on-the-pulse Obama and the soon-to-be First Mom would like to change that, please), so for that reason alone, they are culturally relevant and required watching.

Dairy Diary

My loss is your gain!

I ate 2-goblets worth of chocolate pudding in a hurry today, only to find myself, 30 minutes later, shuttling back and forth between the bathroom and my office for the next 2 hours in a cold sweat. At times, I was in the stall so long that the motion-sensor lights shut off, forgetting all about the presence of my sentient being. I haven't jacked my system up like that in a while.

I must admit--at first, I thought it might have been that old mushy salmon I ate for lunch. What was I thinking?! It was so obviously the chocolate pudding. And so arrives the debut of . . .

Dairy Diary: Triggers for Toilet Time in the Dark

Entry 1: loads of chocolate pudding eaten quickly in one sitting.

And just because I want to add a "homeless" tag to this entry, I pose the following rumination: what do homeless people do when they get diarrhea? Surely they get sick all of the time eating food out of the garbage. Is the sidewalk the answer? Aside: Now that I'm a dog-owner, I realize how easily a plastic bag can turn into a portable toilet. If/when I am homeless, I plan to excrete my solid waste into plastic bags.

10-year replacement cycle

it seems that several of my major belongings are all coming due for replacement at the same time.

because my mind is boggled and blown by how much of my stuff has literally deteriorated or been used up, i'm going to keep an ongoing list here:

1. sneakers for the exercise
2. digital camera
3. computer
4. summer sandals/flip flops
5. summer dresses
6. nightclothes
7. casual belts
8. casual bags
9. eyeglasses
10. exercise clothes
11. pants to kick around in
12. casual summer shirts
13. nasty t-shirts

do you know how long it took me to build a decent nasty t-shirt collection?!

update (7/30/08):

1. down comforter
2. jeans

update (9/5/08):

1. carry-on suitcase
2. weekender shoulder luggage

update (3/18/09):

1. got a digital camera (thanks!)
2. got a down comforter
   

creative people see more

there was recently a medical study comparing the brains of creative people with those of the non-creative. what i gleaned from the write-up was that creative people are evidently more distractable by the many variables of a situation.

this finding is in line with my own observations. those people i know who i consider to be creative see the many potentialities of a situation, as opposed to one clear path. and that enhanced sight can be a blessing and a curse--seeing the world through a lens of possibilities is both invigorating and paralyzing at the same time. career choice is one obvious example. with an open mind regarding the type of life that could bring joy, the type of goals to strive for, and the ways to achieve those goals, there is often a less clear career path for creative folks than there is for those who are happy as clams if they attain, in any way possible, a) a big house, b) a family, and c) a secure retirement.

ignorance, it seems, is indeed bliss.

Pepper Spray Revisited.

Yesterday at 9am, a non-crazy man followed and talked at me for a few blocks on the rush-hour-filled streets of Manhattan while I was walking Li'l Puff. He followed me, talking on his phone to the police about the bite to the neck my dog had just given him and how I, the owner, was just walking away.

--

Allow me to backtrack.

--

I was walking L'il Puff yesterday morning. Li'l Puff won't walk in the middle of a sidewalk for nothing, so until obedience classes prepare me otherwise, I hug the wall with her to avoid monopolizing the sidewalk. Plus, I think it puts minimal burden on the oncoming traffic of pedestrians to walk around us when we are against the wall. On this morning, while hugging a wall, I was surprised when I saw a man walk directly towards my dog, and then into her, instead of opting to take the more typical route of avoiding an obstruction. But because I know people get frustrated at dog-owners for not moving their dogs out of people's way, I thought little of it. But, then. Then! Then, the man turned into an infant.

--

The man started to cry that my dog bit him. Doubtful as I was, I entertained the notion just in case. He whined about the dog bite for about two minutes, during which time I apologized if that was the case. He then decided to show me the proof--a 1/2-inch by 1/2-inch tear in the denim of his jeans near his knee. This is a mid-20 to -30-year-old man who is about 5'10", mind you, so his knee is over 20 inches above ground, and my dog is about 10 inches tall. I responded with "that is an existing hole," said "this is ridiculous," and walked away. "No, no, it's not an existing hole," he whined, while following me and telling me he's not going to let this go so easily. Then it occurred to him that it's time to show me the actual bite. He lifted up his pant leg and revealed to me a 6-inch by 1-inch swath of scar tissue on his lower shin near his foot, a substantial distance from the tear in his jeans. I informed him that that is a scar, not a dog bite, and walk away. He whined some more that it is so a dog bite and said he's going to ask someone else. He stopped a random stranger who also happened to be walking a small dog (this man has good taste in allies!). The random stranger's dog started yapping like crazy, and the random stranger walked away. I, too, walk away. He followed me down the street telling me he is calling the police. I hear him talking into his phone saying that a dog just bit him in the neck and the woman (that's me) is doing nothing but walking away.

--

I reached my apartment building and briskly walked in, announcing to the doormen that this man (pointing behind me, because the man is now following me into the building) is claiming that my dog bit him. I then rushed into the elevator and disappeared. I felt bad about abandoning the doormen and leaving them to deal with this guy without any further explanation from me, but I was scared and just wanted to get away from him. As I walked into the elevator, I saw that the doormen had created a formidable human barricade, all bouncer-like, to block him from penetrating further. At this moment, I learned the value of living in a doorman building in NYC.

--

I had a casanova over who needed to get out of the building, and I myself needed to get to work ASAP, so I put on big sunglasses, and together we left the building through an alternate door, all secret-passageway-like.

--

Apparently the man came back later in the day asking about me, claiming he had gotten two shots from the doctor, and carrying a doctor's note stating as much. And he called the police over. The doorman rightfully refused to give out any of my information, though, and even denied recollection of the morning's events (YAY, doorman!!). I am not confident that this man won't persist in looking for me, though, especially now that he knows where I live, so I'm henceforth altering my schedules and routes. In addition, I am going to start carrying pepper spray (again). [recall: campus lake/mace story].

--
Much to my dismay, information regarding carrying pepper spray for self-defense in New York state/New York City is inaccessible. The NYC website, which is quite remarkable in other ways, makes no mention of pepper spray rules/regulations, despite the presence of other safety tips. The city's catch-all live information hotline, 311, is also of no use. Nor are the police precincts that 311 operators connect my call to. And so I'm therefore providing the information below in the hopes that it will help other curious and cautious New York residents seeking information about carrying pepper spray:

--

Carrying pepper spray in New York is legal (Penal Law § 265.20[14]).

--

You must:

• be over 18
  
• not have been previously convicted in NY of a felony or any assault
  
• not have been convicted of a crime outside the state of New York if that crime, if committed in New York, would constitute a felony or an "assault crime"

--

Where to buy pepper spray in New York

Pepper spray is hard to find! Officially, only licensed firearms dealers, licensed pharmacies, and other vendors authorized and approved by the superintendent of state police sell it. I hear you can get it other places, e.g., hardware stores, too, though, so you could ask around.

I got mine from a lovely local pharmacy, Esco Pharmacy, 687 9TH Ave New York, NY 10036 (between 47th & 48th Streets), which I was referred to by a nice man (not a robot!) at the phone number for Self Defenses, a New York company that sells(makes?) pepper spray. I bought their "Pocket Pistol, as seen on TV," which is small and permissible to pack into your checked luggage on a flight.

• Unfortunately, pharmacies at our ubiquitous Duane Reade do not seem to carry pepper spray.

This wikianswers, "Is Pepper Spray Legal to Carry in NYC", which I found after much sifting on the internet, was kind of valuable. It pointed me to the Self Defenses website, but I think this wikianswers thing contains inaccurate information. Here's why: (1) I don't think the law requires you to buy it from an authorized/licensed dealer (buy it wherever you can!) and (2) if you do buy it from such a dealer, you will have to give proof that you are over 18 and complete and sign a form saying that you have not been convicted of a felony or any crime involving an assault. The dealer then keeps that form on file and will give it to the police on demand. I did this at Esco. I'm guessing the form is a lesser version of what you have to do when you buy a gun because pepper spray is like a lesser version of a gun.

--

As an aside, according to Womens [sic] Defense Center, you want pepper spray that:

• is at least 8% pepper and


• more importantly, has a 1.5 mil to 2 mil Scoville Heat Unit (SHU) rating

--

My Pocket Pistol is 10% pepper but there is no SHU rating. Some say the absence of an SHU rating means the spray is probably a joke and will only enrage an assailant, but I trust the one I bought because of the Self Defenses website and the nice Self Defenses man on the phone.

--

Lesson Remembered

• do not allow a stranger to lure me into a conversation that only they want to have

can't stand ya

Last night I dreamt that I was helping George Costanza with his Manhattan apartment hunt. Specifically, I went with him to check out a $1050/month studio broker apartment in my neighborhood with a private balcony and an impossible woodsy view of a Chapel Hill, NC forest. The balcony and view were amazing, but the apartment and the rest of the apartment building were a touch delapidated, which explained the low price but still seemed unusual because of the location and private balconies.

The whole time I was thinking in the back of my head how I was going to feel with George being in my neighborhood. It would mean we would become better friends and I would get scooped up into the Seinfeld clan, which would be pretty neat, I thought, since I had enjoyed their company when they were on television. But then I gave it further thought, and it occurred to me that I probably wouldn't really get along with that group. And George would probably grow extremely annoying extremely quickly.

I can't believe how ridiculous I am. Now, in my waking life, I'm actually kind of bummed at the realization that I wouldn't like Seinfeld and his fictitious buddies. For this bizarre blurring of my boundaries between fiction and reality, I blame TBS.com, which has full episodes online for me to listen to while I mutter and putter around my apartment.

stain of disdain

I have the same job I've had since September, but my boss has changed. My old boss was promoted because she knows people in high places and because people who don't see how she acts behind closed doors respect her. She works hard, is anal, and strives to do the best possible job she can. She does a good job. My new boss works hard and strives to do the best possible job she can, too, but she is not insufferably anal. She is also nice, pleasant, and sociable. She also does a good job.

--

In the past 2 months or so, I've had 2 dreams about my old insufferable boss. They have both centered upon me finally getting recognition and approval from her. In the dreams, she is warm and caring toward me and proud of me. I never realized I cared so much about being validated by her until I started having these dreams. The sense of pride and accomplishment that I feel when I have these precious moments with my old boss is immense. I imagine this must be the way that sons often feel about their fathers in the archetype of the emotionally distant father who the son desperately wants to make proud and hear utter the words, "good job, son."

--

It amazes me that my old boss continues to permeate my psyche when a) I only worked for her for 4 months and b) it's been another 4 months since I stopped working for her. I wonder if her children are similarly starved for her approval. (I know her relationship with them can be rocky.)

--

It also amazes me that my working relationship with my old boss is such that this dynamic exists in the first place. There's something twisted and wrong about a boss-subordinate relationship where the subordinate is made to feel desperately in need of validation from the boss. I'm typically a rather autonomous worker, and coddling from an employer I need not--disinterest is fine. Perhaps, however, it is the unmistakeable air of disdain that she emits to most all of her staff (except the chosen few) that is what engendered such desperation in me. Now, I guess I just need to flip that desperation to disinterest.

school year calendar

1978-1979: born

1979-1980: 0-1

1980-1981: 1-2

1981-1982: 2-3

1982-1983: 3-4

1983-1984: 4-5

1984-1985: 5-6 Kindergarten

1985-1986: 6-7 1st

1986-1987: 7-8 2nd, moved (Nov), Taiwan (summer)

1987-1988: 8-9 3rd

1988-1989: 9-10 4th

1989-1990: 10-11 5th

1990-1991: 11-12 6th

1991-1992: 12-13 7th

1992-1993: 13-14 8th

1993-1994: 14-15 9th

1994-1995: 15-16 10th, TCBY (summer?)

1995-1996: 16-17 11th, TCBY (fall?), FGI (summer?), Earthwatch England (summer)

1996-1997: 17-18 12th

1997-1998: 18-19 Pomona, Life Sci/Carolina Meadows (summer)

1998-1999: 19-20 Pomona/Smith/Amherst, Framingham/HipHub (summer)

1999-2000: 20-21 Wellesley, SURE (summer)

2000-2001: 21-22 Wellesley, Jamaica (Dec-Jan), graduated

2001-2002: 22-23 Home/Smither (UNC), NYC/Core (Estee Lauder, Random House, adding machine)/Krebsbach/Sunshine (Oct-May/June), Home/Randstad (Duke)

2002-2003: 23-24 AmeriCorps (Aug-Aug), Home, LA (Griffins, Eshmoilis, Sony) (Sept-)

2003-2004: 24-25 LA (-July), Home/Smither (CH-Carr City Schools)

2004-2005: 25-26 Grad School, NYC/LasalleHolland (summer)

2005-2006: 26-27 Grad School, US BA's Office/India (summer)

2006-2007: 27-28 Grad School, graduated

2007-2008: 28-29 NYC, State

Melons calm me

An avid lover of fruit I am.
Stone fruit, cold fruit, warm fruit
I am.
Melon fruits they satiate
Memories they illuminate
Reminding me of melancholy
The melancholy
I am.

The Decorum's Endorsements

Loyal Readers,

Elections can be a confusing time. Poorly organized dissemination of information and the need for the government to appear nonpartisan in executing election-related documents and procedures makes it hard for us non-political junkie voters to equip ourselves with adequate information to make an informed vote.

With the NC Primary quickly approaching (May 6th!), I present you with my endorsements for the more obscure various and sundry positions that you will see on your ballot for the Democratic Primary. And by "more obscure," I mean non-Presidential. I've also tried to include a little about what in tarnation the truly obscure positions do. N.B. I am actually registered as Unaffiliated, but I needed to select a party in order to exercise my right to vote in the primary election.

US SENATE (Howard Staley, Kim Hagan, Duskin C. Lassiter, Jim Neal, Marcus W. Williams)

- Howard Staley: he's a podiatrist and not part of the machine, and the only one (based on candidates' websites/web presenceces) to recognize that the U.S. actually needs immigrants and to hint that he will help illegal immigrants get documented properly. Did I mention he's a podiatrist?

GOVERNOR (Richard H. Moore, Dennis Nielsen, Bev Perdue)

- Richard H. Moore: seems to have a good head on his shoulders - not loopy like Dennis Nielsen (who wants guns everywhere and declares he's better than pimps) and more sophisticated than Bev Perdue - and I like how he's getting companies to be more environmentally friendly by speaking their language (the language of cash-money)

LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR (Dan Besse, Walter H. Dalton, Hampton Dellinger, Pat Smathers) - basically the Vice Governor.

- Dan Besse: he's healthy through and through! Whereas some candidates just talk about the environment because they have to (e.g., my pick for Governor), it is clear Besse actually cares about it--just look at that picture on his website of his vital self jogging! This is a man who knows clean living (or knows how to act like it, anyway), and The Decorum likes that. Hampton Dellinger sent me a campaign postcard all the way to my NY address. That put him on my radar, but then I looked him up on the intranets, and he's scary. He and his wife are spooooookykykykykyky. They're going for a waaaay to high-gloss polished and picture-perfect image--doesn't that just ask to be tarnished? Don't get me wrong, this Dellinger character has had an illustrious career at such a young age, but he needs to stop being such a stomach-turning politician and get real. He even made his poor wife make some low-budget video championing her husband's first-rate qualities. This is 1) cheesy, 2) painful, and 3) just asking for resentment from her down the line.

AUDITOR (Beth A. Wood, Fred Aikens) - audits the state's use of monies to make sure grants, tax dollars, etc. are being spent properly

- Beth A. Wood: she's worked in the Auditor's office for years and had a falling out with the incumbent (her boss), she was a dental hygenist, an occupation I respect because it seems its one that allows women to support themselves easily, and put herself through school to get her CPA, likes to do the shag, seems ambitious and a little severe (just look at the way she does herself up - reminds me of Susan Powter), which I kind of like

COMMISSIONER OF INSURANCE (Wayne Goodwin, David C. Smith) - something about looking out for insurance for people in NC

- David C. Smith: i like his ugly mug better than Goodwin's ugly mug in that he looks more genuine, and i like that he has gotten awards for renovating his house from the Durham Historical Society or whatnot and i like that he lives in Durham

COMMISSIONER OF LABOR (Robin Anderson, Mary Fant Donnan, Ty Richardson, John C. Brooks) - looks after/creates policies that affect workers

- Robin Anderson: one of the best supervisors I've ever had, and I'm overjoyed to see she's running for office for the first time! Anderson and I kicked it in NYC for a week while I was here for a summer internship and she was here for a client meeting. An impressive professional, effective mentor, and approachable and affable superior, I have no doubt she would do the right thing for NC employees. A look at her website confirms this.

SUPERINTENDENT OF PUBLIC INSTRUCTION (Eddie Davis, June St. Clair Atkinson) - something about public instruction

- Eddie Davis: not a lot of information about these two, but Eddie seems like a nice guy

TREASURER (Janet Cowell, Michael Weisel, David Young) - manages, like, the state pension and other state investment monies

- Janet Cowell: she went to impressive schools and is or was a NC Senator during which time she did some sustainable energy initiatives. I also like that she's fairly young but clearly ambitious.

NC STATE SENATE DISTRICT 23 (Ellie Kinnaird, Moses Cary, Jr.)

- Ellie Kinnaird: this was a hard choice and since both are strong and I am lazy, I choose Kinnaird because she was mayor of Carrboro, so she probably has her mind in the right place. Also, apparently she went to Carleton for college, so she's smart.

COURT OF APPEALS JUDGE (James A. Wynn, Jewel Ann Farlow, Dean R. Poirier) - judge for the first court you go to when you want to appeal a decision from a case where you sued someone or whatnot

- James A. Wynn: lesser of evils - he's seeking re-election, he's a minority, and he's not crazy conservative like Poirier. Don't know anything about Jewel, except that she's supported by some obscure GOP website. Hello, campaign manager?

COURT OF APPEALS JUDGE (Kristin Ruth, Sam J. Ervin, IV, Janet Pueschel, John M. Tyson) - again, - judge for the the first court you go to when you want to appeal a decision from a case where you sued someone or whatnot

- Kristin Ruth: lesser of evils. Some minority groups endorse her, but she seems pretty lackluster and a part of the old guard of southern female ambition. Pueschel is hard to find on the internet (= automatic negative) and just has a website for her law firm. Both her internet presence and her experience as represented on the website seem unimpressive and confusing, so she's out. Ervin is also incommunicado on the internet, and Tyson is a member of the Federalist Society and all conservative and whatnot, so there's no point in dealing with him.

DISTRICT COURT JUDGE DISTRICT 15B (Page Vernon, Glenn Gerding, Lamar F. Proctor, Jr.) - this is the judge for the trial court, meaning the first court you go to when you sue or get sued or whatnot and where you would have a jury. If things went badly here, you'd appeal and go to a judge in the Court of Appeals.

- Page Vernon: lovely lady who some people at the Piedmont Biofuels Coop like, humble, has had a down-to-earth career and seems sincere and not a part of the machine. Proctor just comes off as too young and too much of a career-climbing whipper-snapper. I also aribtrarily dislike several things about him: he is from SC originally and is therefore invading NC with his presence, he went up to NYC after law school in SC and based on his resume didn't find a job for awhile (or had nothing good to speak of), and to me that makes it look like he went to NYC for superficial reasons

COUNTY LAND TRANSFER TAX (Real property transfer tax at the rate of up to 0.4% of value or consideration) (For, Against) - a way for the county to raise money because it needs it. Counties got permission to either levy this tax or up the sales tax a bit.

- For: keep people from selling their homes maybe, which my xenophobia says is a good thing. plus, i don't want to pay no extra sales tax.

lossed

I'm all lost again, and I was unable to take any action in light thereof, so I gave myself a deadline of the end of March to gain clarity & take action (about 4 weeks). Then, with about 1 week left, I gave myself a 1-week extension to April 6th. Given the impending deadline, I need to spend some focused time contemplating myself and my future self this weekend.

--

So I am organizing these three quotes/maxims in one place to keep me from losing further sight of things:

1. It doesn't matter where you are but what you're doing.
2. On moving: wherever you go, there you are. You have to be the panacea you wish to see in the world.
3. Bloom where you're planted.

The first two are courtesy of The Wise Messr. Alexander. The bloom notion is courtesy of Joel Osteen in Your Best Life Now discussing god (apparently), but widely applicable, I think.

The bloom notion elaborated:

I was walking in the woods one day when I came to a big, open field that was full of tall weeds. Everywhere I looked, all I could see were ugly, brown, dried-up weeds. But when I went a little farther down the path, I noticed one beautiful flower standing in the midst of all the weeds. It was so colorful, so vivid and, amazingly, it had blossomed right there in the midst of those drab, dreary weeds. You may live or work around a bunch of weeds, but don't let that stop you from blooming. Realize that your environment does not prevent you from being happy. Some people spend all their time trying to pull up all the weeds. Meanwhile, they miss much of their lives.

7

office robot reporting 7 push-ups today.

do push-ups

Needing a reprieve from the relentless coverage of my bedraggled governor, I opted to read a New York Times article on health.

--

To wit: An Enduring Measure of Fitness: The Simple Push-Up
--
Based on national averages, a 40-year-old woman should be able to do 16 push-ups and a man the same age should be able to do 27. By the age of 60, those numbers drop to 17 for men and 6 for women. Those numbers are just slightly less than what is required of Army soldiers who are subjected to regular push-up tests.
--

OMG! So, I just ripped off my jacket and dropped to the floor of my shared office space, but I only made it to 5. I wonder how many other office robots have been doing push-ups today because of this article.
--

Anyway, I guess I have a new workplace diversion now (co-workers be derned). Updates on my progress to follow.

ode to eau de

check out this luscious present!

courtesy of cupid's workshop.

On Creativity & Independence

Since graduating from graduate school in May, I feel I have finally been released into the wild with as close to a clue as I'll ever get. (NB - I don't think anyone ever has a full clue, so to strive for that is ridiculous and to wait for the dawning of that day is foolhardy. Go full speed with what you know at the time, and then adjust accordingly when you learn otherwise.)
--
My graduate degree is in a highly conservative field that follows a structured, rigid path in everything it does. In addition, I had the good fortune of going to a graduate school with a student population unlike anything I would ever voluntarily associate myself with (15 years behind in awareness, unapologetically ignorant, the like). The whole endeavor was a culture shock for me and a significant learning experience. Don't get me wrong--I was miserable and had wholesale hate for 98% of my classmates, and even now, I only half-like the 2% I consider to be my friends, but I appreciate the experience for what it taught me. To wit: that I am different from most people in that I am more creative and more thoughtful than most people.
--
Now, I knew these things about myself from the bottom of my heart already, but my bland graduate schooling was just the foil to my being that I needed. Really, what it did was give me the swift kick in the butt that I needed to finally embrace myself and my true nature.
--
With a clearer vision of myself, who I am, what I want, my modus operandi, etc., I have been able to define more fully the meaning of the word "creativity" for my personal dictionary.
--
Creativity is more than, for example, skill at aesthetics. Is the neighborhood hairdresser with an eye for flattering hairstyles creative? I venture to say no, though I do recognize and appreciate her good eye. Full-on creativity seeps into all facets of life, resulting in a complete liberation of the mind. A free mind constrained not by the infrastructure of daily life--that is what marks the truly creative.
--
I think I have a good working definition for two reasons: 1) it bespeaks of a certain independence from society, people, and one's own self, which is key, if not the key to creative thought and 2) it allows for the location of creative individuals any and everywhere--all too often, I think people operate on a narrow definition of creativity that pretty much isolates the identification of creative people to those who work in creative industries. This is a prime example of constrained thinking. A drone is a drone is a drone, even if that drone spends his days dESiGniNg tHe LoOK oF fOoD on a plate to be photographed for a menu.
--
Extrapolation
--
The truly creative exist in constant conflict with the rest of society. With liberated minds, these individuals are able to see more potential in every aspect of life. And with that heightened vision comes complications, e.g.,: (1) more choices, which can be paralyzing; (2) dissonance between what they see and what society sees, what they want and what society wants; and (3) a seeming inability to meet societal expectations.
--
A few steps may be taken to avoid these complications. For now, I can think of three to share:
--

• active resistance. you have to resist the crushing structure of living the way that most people are living or else you will be unhappy. doing this requires ignoring most people (see below), including any friends and loved ones who do not have the same creative capacity that you do (why you're even friends with them is another post), for they will not understand, and someone, either you or they, will feel alienated. note: it will be harmful if you're the one that feels alienated.




• intentional communities. not necessarily a hippie commune, but efforts to surround yourself with other people whose ideas, though not necessarily similar to yours, also fly as high as kites will reduce the discomfort of existence in society




• try not to get caught in a wheel of society. this is a bit tangential, but still important and related to the above. endeavor to make lifestyle choices that don't carry the potential of coming back and biting you in the butt because then you might have to succumb to a fold that is disharmonious with who you are. e.g., getting a new car might bind you to working a disharmonious job so you can pay for it, having a child might force a certain stability out of you that you don't have to give (& is therefore disharmonious).

--
The "cartoons drawn on the back of business cards" guy Hugh MacLeod inspired me to write this after just a cursory look at this posting of his on creativity + authenticity, which i found while googling how to start my own business: http://www.gapingvoid.com/Moveable_Type/archives/000932.html
--
If a cursory look could inspire me, what could reading the whole thing do? I read it, and it has sublime insights. It's like he took my jumbled thoughts, added eloquence and profound thinking, diced, seasoned, marinated, ate, and digested them 10 years ago and now there's a green sprig that has sprouted in the fertilizer, and he's talking about how it got there. The introductory how-to list on being creative is compelling--the post, of which a pdf is also available, elaborates on it. For your convenience and pleasure, here is the list:
--
1. Ignore everybody.
2. The idea doesn't have to be big. It just has to be yours.
3. Put the hours in.
4. If your biz plan depends on you suddenly being "discovered" by some big shot, your plan will probably fail.
5. You are responsible for your own experience.
6. Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten.
7. Keep your day job.
8. Companies that squelch creativity can no longer compete with companies that champion creativity.
9. Everybody has their own private Mount Everest they were put on this earth to climb.
10. The more talented somebody is, the less they need the props.
11. Don't try to stand out from the crowd; avoid crowds altogether. 12. If you accept the pain, it cannot hurt you.
13. Never compare your inside with somebody else's outside.
14. Dying young is overrated.
15. The most important thing a creative person can learn professionally is where to draw the red line that separates what you are willing to do, and what you are not.
16. The world is changing.
17. Merit can be bought. Passion can't.
18. Avoid the Watercooler Gang.
19. Sing in your own voice.
20. The choice of media is irrelevant.
21. Selling out is harder than it looks.
22. Nobody cares. Do it for yourself.
23. Worrying about "Commercial vs. Artistic" is a complete waste of time.
24. Don't worry about finding inspiration. It comes eventually.
25. You have to find your own schtick.
26. Write from the heart.
27. The best way to get approval is not to need it.
28. Power is never given. Power is taken.
29. Whatever choice you make, The Devil gets his due eventually.
30. The hardest part of being creative is getting used to it.
31. Remain frugal.
32. Allow your work to age with you.
33. Being Poor Sucks.
34. Beware of turning hobbies into jobs.
35. Savor obscurity while it lasts.
36. Start blogging.

hot mess

trader joe's does it again with this spicy "India Relish." i eat this stuff like it's food.

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the amateur cook in me is ashamed of myself for enjoying something i could potentially make on my own, but trader joe's makes it so easy to be lazy.

growing out Li'l Puff's hair

in a post dated december 2, 2007, i listed growing out Li'l Puff's hair as one of my big plans.

behold: spring 07 vs. february 08.

my doorman is a doormat

One of the +/- 5 revolving doormen (not to be confused with revolving door doormen or revolving revolving door doormen) in my building is such a stickler for rules and regulations that he ruins everyone's lives. Today, he ruined mine.

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In the interest of self-preservation, he unfailingly sides with building management on all things tenant-related. In short, he's a tool.

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People in the service/hospitality industry can accommodate someone whose needs might fall in a gray area of the rulebook while still being a good employee. In fact, that's probably at least 85% of what being an effective doorman is all about: (1) knowing the rules and (2) knowing when you should bend them. The other 15% would include, inter alia, sound judgment, brawn, and observational skills. With this combination, a doorman in NYC can make out with at least 4 figures in tips at the end of the year and build goodwill, which can take you farther than $9,999 ever could.

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* * *

--

Analyzing the shortcomings of my doorman has given me peace. I think I'll print a copy of this post and share my genius with him.

no more delays

i've been giving much thought to my future (what's left of it, egads) and have come to the conclusion that i need to stop delaying what i expect my life to be. if i expect it to be X, then it should be X right now, not later, when A, B, & C happen and Y finally falls into place. make it X now.

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in consequence, i've been mulling over some major life decisions of late. my conclusions are still incomplete, but the most valuable aspect of my racing mind is the sensation that i need to come to grips with the reality of my life as i never have before. this is my life. i can't keep wishing or waiting for it to be something else--it is what it is. and if it is not what i've been waiting for it to be, then i need to stop waiting. i need to make it what i wish it to be right here and now.

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* * *

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i am many things at heart, one of which is a yuppie, through and through. on valentine's day, the new york times ran an article about the eyesore that a house becomes once children enter the scene (read the article, "Parent Shock: Children Are Not Décor," here).

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it may be that everything i read these days lights a fire under my ass, but this article lit an atomic bomb. it resonated with a lot of my recent thinkings. in sum, it interviews 3+ couples who had just gotten to a place in their lives when they could get their house interiors the way they wanted, and then they had children and the decor went to hell (ugly children's toys, begrudging safety precautions, etc.).

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i'm 28, and though i have great interest in interior design, i have thus far delayed having a home of any permanence or aesthetic accomplishment due to what i have perceived as my transitory life. granted, i've lived a more transitory life than many others, but shouldn't i breathe fullness into each step i take? if i keep postponing the transformation of a living space into the coveted paradise i fantasize about in my head, then i may never get around to having that paradise.

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corollary - am i:

1. who i strive to be
2. who i am on occasion
3. who i am usually or
4. who i end up being through inadvertance?

likewise, if i keep postponing the proper routine of domesticity that i want to have, then i will never have such a routine, and i will never be the person i want to be (e.g., i'm not martha stewart until i act like martha stewart).

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* * *

--

i've focused this discussion on interior design, but the thought process i'm teasing apart is applicable to all facets of my life. distilled down, it amounts to two maxims:

1. don't delay
2. be what i want to be & live the life i want to live right here and now

i'm eustressed and distressed with these revelations. i feel i'm seeing things with a clarity that is unprecedented. and for the first time in my life, i know that i'm on the brink of something good.

tomorrow, the bronx

today, i go to staten island. should i stay in new york city, i choose to live in a backwater.

Haaaaaaa

Stuff White People Like.

If you're in a rush, just read clander's posts and skip over the other contributors'.

fyi

and my doormen can go to hell, too.

fyi

i also kind of want to shove my roommate.

fyi

also, my old therapist is going to get a fine knuckle sandwich from me the next time i see him.

fyi

i'm going to punch the daylights out of my old boss the next time i see her.

throwin' elbows

networking is the professional milquetoast's term for hustling. (N.B. to my sister: milquetoast does not mean bland!!)

i've been networking myself silly of late, and it sometimes feels much more like i'm throwing elbows.

as civilized as you behave at such functions, you are working people and the room with an agenda. it's a constant hustle, this profession.

i talked with one gentleman this evening who clearly was not buying. his lost interest became evident some time after my attempt to salvage an early unguarded answer. he makes a good point--candor is not the name of this game (so sue me, i'm rusty).

but the problem with him is that he completely obliterated all sport in the evening's activity, veiled hint of ulterior motives and all. stripped down to sales pitches alone, all conversations are entirely unpleasant. and this is what he wanted from me. but why? whyyy?! was it his validated sense of entitlement? probably. in addition, however, i think he was actually disinterested from the get. to overcome same, he deigned to give me a chance to persuade him otherwise, lest he come off as rude. this was a small, tiny opportunity, but an opportunity nonetheless, and i failed to utilize it to my advantage. lesson learned. 1) know your fans. 2) know your audience (usually not my fans). 3) know the game (barf).

beefcake

What you are looking at is a disgustingly large number of cows at feeding time in a feed lot in CA. This picture accompanied the New York Times article mentioned below.
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All these years of not eating much meat for selfish reasons, and it turns out I was conserving energy for the world to boot! Also, reading this article reminds me that meat is for plebs. Ever the snob, I find myself wanting to avoid meat even more now.

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Excerpt from "Rethinking the Meat-Guzzler"*(NY Times)

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A SEA change in the consumption of a resource that Americans take for granted may be in store — something cheap, plentiful, widely enjoyed and a part of daily life. And it isn’t oil.
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It’s meat.
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The two commodities share a great deal: Like oil, meat is subsidized by the federal government. Like oil, meat is subject to accelerating demand as nations become wealthier, and this, in turn, sends prices higher. Finally — like oil — meat is something people are encouraged to consume less of, as the toll exacted by industrial production increases, and becomes increasingly visible.
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Global demand for meat has multiplied in recent years, encouraged by growing affluence and nourished by the proliferation of huge, confined animal feeding operations. These assembly-line meat factories consume enormous amounts of energy, pollute water supplies, generate significant greenhouse gases and require ever-increasing amounts of corn, soy and other grains, a dependency that has led to the destruction of vast swaths of the world’s tropical rain forests.
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Just this week, the president of Brazil announced emergency measures to halt the burning and cutting of the country’s rain forests for crop and grazing land. In the last five months alone, the government says, 1,250 square miles were lost.
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The world’s total meat supply was 71 million tons in 1961. In 2007, it was estimated to be 284 million tons. Per capita consumption has more than doubled over that period. (In the developing world, it rose twice as fast, doubling in the last 20 years.) World meat consumption is expected to double again by 2050, which one expert, Henning Steinfeld of the United Nations, says is resulting in a “relentless growth in livestock production.”
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Americans eat about the same amount of meat as we have for some time, about eight ounces a day, roughly twice the global average. At about 5 percent of the world’s population, we “process” (that is, grow and kill) nearly 10 billion animals a year, more than 15 percent of the world’s total.
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Growing meat (it’s hard to use the word “raising” when applied to animals in factory farms) uses so many resources that it’s a challenge to enumerate them all. But consider: an estimated 30 percent of the earth’s ice-free land is directly or indirectly involved in livestock production, according to the United Nation’s Food and Agriculture Organization, which also estimates that livestock production generates nearly a fifth of the world’s greenhouse gases — more than transportation.
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To put the energy-using demand of meat production into easy-to-understand terms, Gidon Eshel, a geophysicist at the Bard Center, and Pamela A. Martin, an assistant professor of geophysics at the University of Chicago, calculated that if Americans were to reduce meat consumption by just 20 percent it would be as if we all switched from a standard sedan — a Camry, say — to the ultra-efficient Prius. Similarly, a study last year by the National Institute of Livestock and Grassland Science in Japan estimated that 2.2 pounds of beef is responsible for the equivalent amount of carbon dioxide emitted by the average European car every 155 miles, and burns enough energy to light a 100-watt bulb for nearly 20 days.
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Grain, meat and even energy are roped together in a way that could have dire results. More meat means a corresponding increase in demand for feed, especially corn and soy, which some experts say will contribute to higher prices.
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This will be inconvenient for citizens of wealthier nations, but it could have tragic consequences for those of poorer ones, especially if higher prices for feed divert production away from food crops. The demand for ethanol is already pushing up prices, and explains, in part, the 40 percent rise last year in the food price index calculated by the United Nations’ Food and Agricultural Organization.
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Though some 800 million people on the planet now suffer from hunger or malnutrition, the majority of corn and soy grown in the world feeds cattle, pigs and chickens. This despite the inherent inefficiencies: about two to five times more grain is required to produce the same amount of calories through livestock as through direct grain consumption, according to Rosamond Naylor, an associate professor of economics at Stanford University. It is as much as 10 times more in the case of grain-fed beef in the United States.
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The environmental impact of growing so much grain for animal feed is profound. Agriculture in the United States — much of which now serves the demand for meat — contributes to nearly three-quarters of all water-quality problems in the nation’s rivers and streams, according to the Evironmental Protection Agency.
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Because the stomachs of cattle are meant to digest grass, not grain, cattle raised industrially thrive only in the sense that they gain weight quickly. This diet made it possible to remove cattle from their natural environment and encourage the efficiency of mass confinement and slaughter. But it causes enough health problems that administration of antibiotics is routine, so much so that it can result in antibiotic-resistant bacteria that threaten the usefulness of medicines that treat people.
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Those grain-fed animals, in turn, are contributing to health problems among the world’s wealthier citizens — heart disease, some types of cancer, diabetes. The argument that meat provides useful protein makes sense, if the quantities are small. But the “you gotta eat meat” claim collapses at American levels. Even if the amount of meat we eat weren’t harmful, it’s way more than enough.
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Americans are downing close to 200 pounds of meat, poultry and fish per capita per year (dairy and eggs are separate, and hardly insignificant), an increase of 50 pounds per person from 50 years ago. We each consume something like 110 grams of protein a day, about twice the federal government’s recommended allowance; of that, about 75 grams come from animal protein. (The recommended level is itself considered by many dietary experts to be higher than it needs to be.) It’s likely that most of us would do just fine on around 30 grams of protein a day, virtually all of it from plant sources .

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***

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*By the way, Mark Bittman wrote this article. He is the author of some reknown cookbooks, both meat and non. I've looked at his renderings of vegetarian cooking in How to Cook Everything Vegetarian, though, and the dishes suck. Oh, bother, I say! Because if this meat-eater is going to write a meat-bashing expose, should not there be an offering of tasty non-meat alternatives at the ready?

the square community

i suppress 85% myself in my working life. is this choice or necessity? i feel it's necessity. in an effort to be who they want me to be, i feel i can't be me, and so i turn into an empty canvas. no personality, no opinions, no style.
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i've been waging a war against the square community for almost a decade now, and it's starting to feel like the squares are winning. they're making me bland. i'm conforming to their lackluster desires. i'm wearing their lackluster clothing and following their lackluster schedule and letting their pathetic hopes, dreams, fears, comforts, and existence seep into mine.
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i need to move to an abandoned warehouse in the country.
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i need to know what claude monet and rainer maria rilke did besides paint and write.
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these 2 writings are helpful:

1) Failure is the best thing ever because it broadens your horizons and equips you in ways success never could - an article in Men's Health (as posted in someone else's blog). Excerpt:

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Maybe failure isn’t the problem. Maybe expectation is.
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After I was fired from my TV show, I was certain I’d never work in television again. I’d been given a great opportunity and blown it. The studio and network were out millions of dollars. But then the phone started ringing, with studios and networks asking whether I’d consider doing TV again. What had changed?
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Nothing. I’d simply forgotten what folks working in TV take as a given: Most shows fail. Every spring, the networks introduce new products to replace the fall and winter die-off. When a show tanks, they don’t spend weeks wondering why. They put a new show in its place.
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They expect failure, and are delighted when it doesn’t come.
In the case of Tom, my hunch is that he’d become stuck in an expectation loop. He’d spent years carefully mapping out his ascent: student-body president, law-school review, a great internship. He expected to succeed - we all should - but he hadn’t considered alternate paths to success. One misstep sent him scrambling, questioning all his other assumptions. Of course, it’d be wrong for me to write Tom off. Maybe his latest failure will force him to reassess his expectations. Maybe it’ll be what finally propels him to success.
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Most of us will never run a TV show or run for elected office. But we will all fail, repeatedly. Failure is a universal condition. We lose our jobs; we lose our marriages; we lose to the dealer’s flush in Vegas.
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When these traumas happen, we generally find ourselves on the familiar Kübler-Ross stages of loss: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But how we cope is less important than how we remember the experiences afterward. The best failures aren’t forgotten; they’re incorporated into our life’s narrative.
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My D.C. debacle, as miserable as it was to live through, has become a cherished memory. It’s a small scar that invites a big story, with big personalities. At first, I framed myself as the innocent victim in the drama, but over the years I came to view the whole thing as more of a hurricane that we all weathered together.
The great thing about surviving a storm is that you’re much better prepared the next time the winds start kicking up. You recognize the early warnings. You stock up on essentials. And, most crucial, you go in knowing that no matter what happens, you can always rebuild.
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Failure makes you ready in ways that success never could.
--

The next time I found myself pitching a show, I had a much clearer idea of what I wanted. I knew what I was good at and what I was better off delegating to others. I knew that as much as I believed in the show, if it all went south, I’d be okay.
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Because I’d failed, I wasn’t afraid of failing. And that enabled me to push a lot harder for what I believed in.
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The movie is unconventional and questionably commercial. In its wildest success, it might play festivals and arthouses before hitting DVD. Given all these risks, why do it?
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Because even in failure, I knew I’d grow from it. There were things I needed to learn about movies - and myself - that I wasn’t going to learn from writing another script.
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It’s just like weight training, really. You push yourself until your muscles fail. That’s how you grow stronger. Likewise, in life, unless you seek you’ll never mentally develop beyond that scrawny kid from high school.
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That’s why you have to drop to one knee and propose to the girl you’re pretty sure you love. That’s why you have to send out your résumé, even though your job is just fine. That’s why you have to climb that 14,000-foot mountain. It won’t always work out. You may get divorced. Or fired. Or frostbitten. But the alternative is a life of vague disappointment.
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When that nagging little voice pops up, wondering what’s going to happen if you fail, just ignore it. Yes, it’s hard. As humans, we’re programmed for loss aversion. But money is just money. Your job is just your job. Your life - the adventure of your life - is all you really have that’s yours.
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When things go wrong, when you’re sliding toward an unavoidable crash, don’t panic. In those long seconds before the impact, look around and figure out how you entered into this mess. Think about how you’ll frame the story a year from now, over a few beers. Can you come up with an honest version that ends, “So in a funny way, it was the best thing that ever happened to me”?
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Perfect. Then brace yourself.

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2) Perhaps it's time to take a leap instead of muddling through - Passion Ave & Conformity St, a blog post about making a choice when faced with crossroads. Not all that insightful in and of itself, but it does have that great title and these quotes that make me restless and keep me questioning work, my job, money, life, etc.:

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Work is necessary: “Without work, all life goes rotten. But when work is soulless, life stifles and dies.” —Albert Camus

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Stupid 401k: “Chase your passion, not your pension.”— Denis Waitley
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Don't settle: “Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves?”—Friedrich Nietzsche
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Need to love the work: “With out passion you don’t have energy, with out energy you have nothing.”— Donald Trump

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The time is now: “Waste no more time talking about great souls and how they should be. Become one yourself!”-Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
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You have to try: “Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.”-Oprah Winfrey

Rejection Letters

got 3 today. boo.

Waste (The Swan Song)

Waste pains me. Not so much the waste of money (there are some things I can blow my wad on as fast as the next guy) or food (my interest in physical/mental health trumps this one) but most certainly the waste of:

1. another man's treasure (please donate/sell instead of throwing out) and
2. small-scale natural resources (please print double-sided).

The endeavor in Sweden discussed in this Reuters article both pleases and disgusts me:

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STOCKHOLM (Reuters) - A Swedish state-owned firm has found a cheap, eco-friendly source of energy to warm one of its offices: body heat from a quarter million commuters steaming through Stockholm's central train station.
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Body heat already warms the station itself but the surplus, currently let out in thin air, will be redirected to provide as much as 15 percent of the heating in a planned 4,000 square meter office building, real estate firm Jernhusen said.
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"We had a look at it and thought 'We might actually be able to use this'," said Karl Sundholm, project leader at Jernhusen, which also owns the station. "This feels good. Instead of just airing the leftover heat out we try to make use of it."
Jernhusen markets the building as "environment smart" and aims for its energy consumption to be half of what a corresponding building usually is.
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The bodily warmth from the central station will be redirected to heat up water. The investment will be around 200,000 Swedish crowns ($31,200), Sundholm said.
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"The ventilator aggregates are already there, and even some of the pipes. All we need to do is complement with a few pumps and pipes."
(Reporting by Anna Ringstrom)

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My disgust with my fellow man and woman on the subway during rush hour has already caused me to start walking to work in wintry mornings as often as possible. Should my workplace follow the Swedes, I'd probably risk contaminating myself with my own E. coli over washing my hands using malodorous infectious warmth.

you want some of my brown sugar?

killing them with kindness just might have worked!! more details to follow . . . .

86

i am 86-ing my use of the term "86" up in here. it shows up way too often, thereby rendering it cliche and passe. (can i get a "touche?")